Ahhh!

Buying my friend some tulips and a vase: Wonderful

Spending time with that friend and just talking: Wonderful

Going home with no plans for the rest of the day: Wonderful

Cuddling with the Husband and watching old Lost episodes online: Wonderful

A day without anxiety attacks: Priceless.

~B

Evidence of Fingerprints.

I found these photos on a news channel.

Amazing.

These simple snowflakes speak to me.

People say that you didn't create me.

People say that you didn't make all of this-that's it's all random.

People say that we have no purposes-- that life is meaningless.

I could go on and on--but I'll save that for another time.

They can't see Your fingerprints--but I can.

~B

A Good Day for Blogging

For a long time now, I have wanted a new bed spread.

I had been just putting on our regular old, ugly looking blankets. Holey and dingy (Am I spelling those right?), they didn't do our beautiful bed justice--and I just put up with it because we aren't the type of people to go out and spend a fortune on a bed spread--we are too cheap too smart to spend that kind of money.

So, company was over a little while ago and the wife needed to go into our room for some privacy and I thought of how she would see our ultra-utilitarian {read: functional} room--with the home-school books stacked in plastic lockers on a little table and the piano/piano books on the other side of the room--oh, and just for good measure add to that the three white trash bags of stuff to take to GoodWill sitting next to the piano (among the other things my children bring in there).

I pondered what thoughts crossed her mind when she saw our very shabby bed covers and I thought for a moment that I wished that we had spent some money on one (years before anyone would have gone in there).

So after all that thinking about my bed and it's non-existent bed spread....I talked to myself about it and I talked to the Lord. I emphasized how cool it would be to have one that looked nice. like in the catalogs.

I dropped that wishful thinking and went on with my life--and then it showed up--out of nowhere....

My husband's Grandma was moving and called and asked if I wanted her old bedspread, I said yes, not thinking that it would be anything that was my style, but I wanted to honor her--and she came by and a new relationship started: me and that bed spread--beautiful.

So, now my friends, if you come into my house, I will be thrilled to let you in my still ultra-utilitarian room, (don't mind the bags of stuff and the fan)--but this time it will have a gorgeous bed in it!

Ahh! The simple life. :)

(The lighting in the picture sure makes it look nice--it's hiding all of the "useful" stuff behind the photographer. ;0)

~B

The Trouble with Minds.

Over a summer when I was 9/10 years old I had few friends. I lived in the country and playing with friends was few and far between. My brother and sister were much older than me and so they had moved out by the time I was 5 and I was basically an "only child".

During this particular time, a new family moved into the area that I lived and when I was able to, I would go and play at their house.

My Mom got to know the mom and she was a very nice and gentle lady. The Dad worked full-time and so he wasn't around a whole lot. A very nice family indeed.

As I got to know this girl, I figured out soon that she was the one who would control the relationship. She would get frustrated with me if I didn't play the games that she wanted to play and she would often insult me. Me, being who I was at that time, just complied--I didn't know what else to do.

The relationship changed. She began having me do things that I really didn't want to do, but being the child that I was, I thought that I had to listen to whatever requests she made because I didn't want to make her upset.

There were secret trips to her neighbors house while they were gone; she opened the garage door (because she fed the guinea pigs while they were gone) and she took me into a back room and showed me the neighbors neatly packaged rock collection. Pressed into styrofoam and nicely labeled, the rocks were stunning. She told me that we had to steal them--I protested, she put up a fuss and I helped her. I remember my heart racing, full of fear and dread because this wasn't fun to me.

Another time, she "made" me go across a pole that ran through the middle of their barn. I was afraid of heights, she pushed and called me names--I walked across crying. She taunted me and teased me as I went. I don't remember feeling anything--just immense sadness that I was doing something so wrong that she kept on doing these things to me (I think I felt that I must have deserved it).

I don't know how many things that she did to me, but I know that the control got worse and worse.

I also don't recall the time-line that happened with this relationship and so I don't know where my head was when she made her worst request--to molest me.

I remember that in the beginning I was happy to have her for a friend. I remember that she was fun. I remember that we were playing with some baking thing and she made a request. I ran to the phone to call my mom-- I was scared and bewildered. Then she said the thing that my heart couldn't take: "You won't have any friends--I won't be your friend." She knew where my weak spot was.

I look back and I cringe. Why did I go back to her? Was I so concerned with having a "friend" that I put myself on the chopping block willingly?


I see bits and pieces of what she did to me, I can't recall big chunks of it. I don't know if it happened more than once. All I know is that I was frightened and scared and too afraid to tell anyone.

I changed a lot that summer. I gained a lot of weight. I became a lot more insecure, a lot less silly. I had something ripped away from me, and I didn't even know what.

The time finally came and I don't know how long it was, where my mother was wanting me to go over there again. She reminded me what a nice family they were and how I had always wanted a friend and here I had one and I didn't want to go there anymore......

I don't remember what I said, but I remember sitting on the couch and leaning on my much older sister and feeling safe. I whispered to her something and I never again had to go there to that girls house.

The story goes that my sister walked up to my mom and told her, "B shouldn't go to that girl's house anymore." I never did again.

Thank God for a sister's help.

So, today, the reason that I share this is that 1) I'm going to counseling and it seems to be helping me deal with this sort of stuff and 2) I had an "aha" moment today.

My "Aha" moment came to me today while I was doing something around the house. I was worrying about making a friend upset because I had my own personal opinion {they didn't share the same thoughts with me}. I felt myself shaking and feeling scared. I was worrying about losing the friendship because I held a different view than that of my friend.

I wanted to recant my opinion just to appease that friend--even though they were not asking me to recant.

I wanted to agree with them just because I didn't want to lose them.

Sound repetitive?..... it's the same lie that I have been telling myself all these years.

Aha. {deep breath}

I am still learning. Still learning that I do not have to agree with people just so that they love me.

I can run to the phone and "call my mom" if I want to.

I don't have to have people's permission to be me.

I can be who God created me to be without anyone's permission. I don't have to make anyone happy (except God, but he's not just anyone), if I don't want to.

Hard concept, but I'm glad I reached this benchmark--finally.

~B

Ever So Thankful

Sometimes, just sometimes,

there are people who are genuine.

They hold you close and they let you in.

They pray with you and make you feel

not as stupid as you normally do.

To say that I appreciate people

like that

would be an understatement. :' )

~B

Just the Presence of Him

I don't know why that I am not like the other women. They seem not affected at all by their spouses being gone for periods of time.

But I am.

It makes me reflect more (I do enough of that already) and it makes me ponder the widows of the world.

It makes me think of how sad it is that a lot of people don't have what I have and I say that in all humbleness, because my good marriage is there not because of me, but because of something that I know nothing about.

I hate having him gone. There's no goal for the evening. No door opening, with the children herding to get around him. There's no scratchy kiss. No fresh-out-of-the-shower-making coffee-conversation--just quietness.

And I hate quietness like this.

~B

A Dawn

Tears flowing.
Eyes hurting.
Nose plugged up.

Wailing inside, and them on the outside.
Coming to the realization of something I had never thought of before.

I want to be loved.
I want to be missed.
I want a love from others that I have only found in my spouse.

I want friends that want to be more than just acquaintances.
People that want to be intricately woven into our lives.
People that would give their lives for us (and us for theirs).
I want relationships that are deeply meaningful and relationships that last.

I strive to meet these people that are a lot like us.
People that won't get bored at our "normal-ness" and puzzled by our "eccentricities".

People that are just like me and him, that just want simple things in life.

Not money.
Not mansions.
Just normal.

---------

(I think they all moved to Oregon......)

;)
~B

The Power of a Parent

I need to start off this post with a disclaimer, just to let everyone know how very, very much I love my parents. I adore them, I love them and would give my life for them in an instant, but right now, I feel like that little 8 year old girl that constantly gets on my father's nerves.

I feel like hiding and crying and not seeing him for a little while.

How can I be 36 years old and still feel this way right now? How can a time warp happen so suddenly in a matter of a few minutes?

And why is it that I am sitting here crying about it when I should just handle it like an adult and blow it off?

I went there to do some work stuff.... I now have a very small, one day a week job and I have to use their phone line to "transmit" information from this job (we have only cell phones--no land lines in this house).

So, I guess I went there at the wrong time. I got on his nerves and he let me know it. Over and over again.

I was trying to be invisible like I used to do. But their phone line is in the kitchen and they were eating supper......

I'll spare the details, it's just average every day stuff that no one really wants to hear about, but I needed to vent.

The bad part is.... I have to go back in a little while and make sure the transmitting thing worked....

~B

Like a Skin

Like a Skin by Sara Groves

"The butterfly can just look back
flap those wings and say "Oh, yeah,
I never have to be a worm again."
The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where he's been and moves on.

I am longing for something tangible.
Some kind of proof that there's been a change in me.
Feels like I have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff.
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt.

Come on, New Man, where've you been?
Help me wriggle from this self I'm in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground."

I have risen the past two mornings with this very meaningful song in my head, and it is nearly impossible to stop thinking about how much it means to me. It is as if the song-writer down-loaded these lyrics directly off of my brain and put it to song.

I have been down the past two weeks, just off-kilter, not feeling normal and hardly any mental or physical energy. I exist and I talk and think and at times, laugh, but deep within me, I am very, very low.

And, to tell you the truth, the times when I come to post on this secret little blog are usually the times when I am at my lowest.

What is it that I long for? What is it that I am hoping to achieve by sitting here typing this little post? Who knows? :)

I want to be who I know I am needing to be.

I beg God to allow me to become what he wants me to become.... but I am impatient. I want instant results, I don't want to wait. I want to be an incredible soldier for Christ, but I feel I come up so short every time.

I want to be Corrie Ten Boom with her incredible faith and steadfast love and forgiveness. I want to be Chip Ingram,-- well spoken and strong, telling others about Christ in such a way that people find it hard to argue. I want to be Ravi Zecharias, opening my mouth and have apologetics fall out--so wise--so amazing. Darlene Diebler Rose, Michael Pearl, C.S.Lewis, Chuck Swindoll, Elizabeth Elliot, James Dobson, ... all of these people--so wise, so immensely able to tell about how Christ wants us to live.

They are not perfect, but they are so wise.

Do they struggle like me? Is God helping me metamorphasize into something new? Do I have any impact with my broken self? It would seem to me, that it's just not possible.

When I pray, I often picture myself on a battle-field. I am worn and mortally wounded, I am about to take my last breath and I cry out to Christ. He comes and stands over me and holds up his sword and protects me from this:
That is a picture of my own sins, my own struggles that seem to nail me to the ground. The picture is vivid and I remain alive and untouched with my Christ standing over me. Christ and I communicate, and He understands and helps.

Although He is standing over me, I still have days like this (or weeks), where all I can do is lay here on this battle-field and wait while the war for my soul continues. I will be fine, with Him standing over me, but my human-ness struggles so much.

"I am longing for something tangible.
Some kind of proof that there's been a change in me.

Feels like I have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff.

Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt.

Come on, New Man, where've you been?
Help me wriggle from this self I'm in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground."

~B

Projected Anger Ahead

To Whom it May Concern:

When I came up with the idea to get people interested in getting our church a power point projector, I had NO idea that everyone would get their undies in such a bind.

I talked to the treasurer and asked her if there were any steps that we needed to take in order to start raising funds for the projector, she told me, no-that the people that wanted to start the fund could just donate it into the general fund and designate it for this.

The people that did end up donating to this fund, were excited, to say the least. We thought about other churches and how they used their projectors and how cool it would be if our church could use one too.

Just think: we can let the pastor use it to enhance his sermons sometimes. We could use it to air certain videos or to do a slideshow at different venues. We could even STOP borrowing projectors from that other little tiny church in another town and instead use our OWN. Imagine that.

Last night at the meeting, I was SHOCKED at how stupid and tense people can be about things like this.

I know, I know... people don't always agree on things. I know, I know, there will always be disputes and all that--but over this? THE MONEY WAS ALREADY DONATED.

Can you read that people? The participants that donated this money, didn't stop tithing, they gave above and beyond their tithe so that this could be made possible-- they still donate their time to church and they are not just sitting there thinking how wonderful they are. THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

So, I will write out my ANGER on this blog and I will keep my real feelings from YOU because I am thinking that people are pretty stupid right now.

HOW WILL OUR CHURCH GROW IF WE DON'T KEEP ON GROWING.

As far as I'm concerned, you can take the projector and shove it--it was supposed to be a gift.

B

In the Giving of Thanks

Oh my wonderful Heavenly Father, I praise You and Your ways!
I thank You for instilling in us a hunger for You.
Blessed are those that look to You for guidance and that honor Your word.
I love You, Lord~ I am amazed at your power and your amazing ways!
Thank you for Your moral standards and your bridle on lives.
Thank you for allowing me to see Your amazing colors.
------------------------
Red and Yellow.
Black and White.
They are precious in Your sight.
You love the little children of the world.

Including me.

~B

My Two Passions

Lately, I have felt burdened, useless and replaceable. I sit and stare at the computer and wonder what life is worth if there is nothing to do. Sure, I have housework, but what value can one find in that? I can find NONE.

So, I have been feeling this empty sort of way. But then I noticed that that empty feeling would go away when I would do things that challenged my brain, instead of it just sitting there collecting dust.

I have many things that I am interested in: being a good parent, a really good wife, being involved in community things, helping others.... and the list goes on and on.

But the two things that I am unquenchingly passionate about are: learning about God and what He expects of me and learning about natural medicine.

I have had a passion for learning about homeopathy, a natural form of medicine for the past 11 years now. We went that direction when my newborn son wasn't getting better from modern medicine. We happened upon herbs and homeopathy through my cousin, who is a registered nurse. We saw results and I was sold.

Over the years, I have tried to absorb every little detail about homeopathy. I have learned a little bit more about other natural therapies, but mostly I have loved to study homeopathy.

Recently, I went to the naturopath and learned about "Rodding" and "Kineseology", things that I don't really know if I like or understand...yet. I am holding those methods at an arm's length, slowly trying to absorb what they try to accomplish with my body.

I am going to a small class this Thursday about "Muscle Testing" and homeopathy and bach flower remedies. I don't know much about the first and the third items, but my heart leaps with anticipation waiting for the class. I'm so looking forward to packing new items into my brain, something I can sit and chew on while I live my life. I need to always be learning.

I am the same way with God's Word. I get podcasts of Chip Ingram, Ravi Zecharias and other shows. I hadn't been listening to them lately, and I didn't correlate the fact that I wasn't learning with the fact that I felt useless and bored.

When I plug in a show and I do my odd jobs around the house, and I learn and learn and learn about the things that God wants from me and what He wants me to become, I feel my wings open and they start grabbing that wind that God so patiently waits for me to accept. I go to bed with God on my mind, and what my life needs to become. I look into my heart and see the darkness and I see how I need to get rid of it all and become more like Him.

I am so thankful that God has taken this opportunity to allow me to see a glimpse into my very own heart. He has allowed me to see what I need at this time to feel like I am accomplishing something.

I need to learn.
I cannot sit here and let my life go by without constantly filling my head with these two passions.

I need to learn.

~B

Feeling the Empty Nest

For the past 11 years, I have been a mother.
I have wiped bottoms, noses and highchairs endlessly.
I have hugged, disciplined and laughed too many times to count.
I have had amazing days where I didn't want it to end and
I have had days, that I wished would have never started.

Yesterday, I felt it all starting to slowly, painfully slip away.

See, my children are no longer:

• newborns
• toddlers
• Kindergarteners

They are now on that part of life where, little by little, they are gaining their independence from me. This is how it's supposed to be. Where I work myself, ever so slowly, out of a job.

But yesterday hurt.
All four children were off somewhere.
Somewhere playing with their friends.
Somewhere playing at the pool.
Somewhere dreaming about their futures.

And I was washing dishes wondering who I will be when they are gone, out of this house and onto their lives.

Who will I be?

I know that if you aren't a stay at home mom, you won't understand. You have your careers, you have your friends, you have all that surrounding you. I have these four souls surrounding me. What will I be without them?

In 12 short years, all of my children will be 18 and above. I have lived in this house almost 12 years. All four of the children were welcomed into this very home the day they came back from the hospital. All of my important and major memories are here:

• Bringing home my first-born son, me and my husband being amazed at what a tiny little creature we helped bring into this world.
  
• Wanting more children, getting pregnant with twins. Having a difficult time as they struggled through the NICU.
  
• Getting pregnant again, having to rush to the hospital because labor was going so fast. Having an incredible birth and the nurse telling us, "That's the most peaceful birth I have ever witnessed."

The diapers, the noses, the tears, the fights, the happinesses, the frustrations. The sleepless nights!

The growing. The growing. The growing.

They can all go to the pool without me now.

Maybe you don't see the significance in that:
They can all go to the pool without me now.

Just last year, my youngest wasn't able to go without me.

Where is my purpose going? Where is this all headed.

They're growing. This is good, right?

I am teaching them to be future adults. I am teaching them to be future mothers and fathers.

I am teaching them how to live and love.

I make so many mistakes. But God is good...... a friend always says that, and it strikes me as incredibly encouraging. God is good. He will take my mistakes and He will work through them.

But I am still right back at where I started. What will I be in 12 years?

I don't want to be a career-woman.

I want to be a mom.

I don't want to work in an office.

I want to be a mom.

What will I be, when the time comes for them to go?

A mom, but to what?

Four adults that don't really need me.....

Will I spend my days cleaning a house that's already clean enough? Will I stand by the sink and pretend to wash dishes? Will I wish that there were clothes to wash and fold?

What is there that God has planned for this little person in the world?

I want to be a mom.

My inner most desire is to be a mom.

I want nothing else.

Like an artist who knows nothing except to do his art, I want to be this mom.

~B

His Eyes Are On the Sparrow

I am Your sparrow.

Can you hold me just a little longer?

I don't know how to pick up the pieces to this puzzle.

Will you keep Your eyes on me just a bit longer?

I don't think that I know how to fly. Not anymore.

I think that I used to. I think that I used to know how to live.

Now I just stumble and hurt and fall so often.

Please teach me what you're trying to teach me.

Please help me be a good student. Help this student learn what you are trying to teach.

Lord, my wings are broken. Can they ever be mended?

I sit, protected in Your hand. Can I stay here a while? Is there ever a time, that I'll have to leave?

Could You hold me through this storm?

Are there any other sparrows out there, that could come and sit here with me so that I wouldn't be so alone?

I'm so alone.

I'm so broken.

Let me sit here and be still.

~B

Some Serious Thoughts.

I walked as they talked and they explained to me some melodrama that you had created in your head about me and you.

I am an innocent by-stander now, holding no grudges and, with God's help, I don't go back to the site of the wreck like I used to.

I realize now your numerous emotional troubles are not because of me. I am relieved to have been brought to that realization. What a load off my mind.

At times, I have worried about your life. But I know that I alone can do nothing for you. It's a good awakening.

I used to struggle under the assumptions that I could somehow change to make you happy and love me, but I now have been given peace about it....about just being me.

I used to struggle with the muzzle that you put upon my head years ago, the muzzle that "kept me quiet". The muzzle that you thought would keep me close to you actually tore us apart.

That has rotted away now, it is no longer there.

I am a different person now.

I won't change my thoughts that are based in God's word.

I will change how I interact with you.

I will be more peaceful.

I won't change what God says to make it more appealing to you, or anyone else. I don't hold that power. Only God does, and He doesn't mind making us feel uncomfortable with what His word says.

Don't let my quietness threaten you.

I'm not who I was. I'm a new creation.....

Luke 12:53
³⁴"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. ³⁵ For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law~~ ³⁶a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'


~B

Just an Overwhelming Loneliness

I am so sad today. I am so lonely today.
It's summer outside and the world is screaming for me to do something, but yet I sit here, being alone and just having an overwhelming sadness around me.

I have friends, but no friends like the one I recently lost (she moved). Talking on the phone with her is nice, but it's just not the same as when we used to get together.

Now I feel like I took a hundred steps backwards in the friendship realm. No one to talk to and not one person to confide in about how alone I am feeling.

On another note, my husband and I have been working fervently on a marriage issue that keeps popping up. We went and talked to some "counselors" ~~GASP! and they really set us up on a good track. They gave us "assignments" to work on and suggested books to read.

So, we read the book, we did the assignments, life was really good....when we were working really hard. Now life seems to have gone back to where it was: I feel alone and misunderstood, he feels.... I dont know what he feels right now?

His work schedule has picked up, that's fine with me, but there's so much more to life than earning big bucks. Can't there be a happy medium when one works hard, where they keep a small part of their heart to share with the rest of the family?

I know he's working hard. I know that his heart is just trying to balance out life with the new work schedule. But it's such a lonely adjustment for me.

I don't know if he gets lonely in these situations.

I know that I can't depend on others to completely fill me. I need to go to God to be completely filled. But in my human capacity, I constantly am thinking that humans are the "need-filler" that I want.

What would make me happy right now? And whoever said that I needed to be happy at all times? No one is promised that, that's for sure!

So, anyway, this is probably something that belongs in my diary, but I decided to write it here instead.

~B

Grateful Peaceful

When I created this banner for my website, I really sat down and thought about what I wanted it to be about. The words displayed on it are based on a Sara Groves song. But it's words are significant to me:

"(I want to be:) Grateful, Faithful, Peaceful, Thankful."

This title that I chose are the true things in my heart. I DO want to be those things. I don't want to overlook the beauty in everyday life, I want to be faithful to my friends and family, I want to be grateful for what the Awesome Savior has given me. I want to be thankful, but most of all I want to be peaceful, in a way that only can be described as a peace from God.

BUT I haven't been peaceful, grateful, thankful or ANY of these things that are on my banner right now. I should change it to:

"(I am being:) Ungrateful, Unhappy, and Not-Very-Faithful"

How do you like the ring of that?

And what pictures should I have up there, pictures of skulls, dead flowers and mutilated couches?

Sounds good to me! ;-)

I suppose that at some point in everyone's lives, that they reach a few times a year that they are being sinful like me. They can't see the silver lining in the clouds, they can only see how pathetic they have become.

Like me.

I'm so pathetic right now.

I can't believe that I can be loved!

But even though I am this stinking crawiling creature right now

it's cool to know that God understands me and wants me

to come to Him to release this blechy existence.

~B

You leave again this weekend, and not for very long, but I'm not looking forward to being alone from you again. I am eagerly seeking to be a good wife; a spouse that happily opens their arms and lets their love fly freely to the destinations that they are needing to go to, but this time I am not ready.

We are just in a period of our relationship, where it happens that while you are coming from "Point A" and going to "Point B", I happen to try and stand in front of you quickly, trying to catch a kiss, but it usually feels like a miss. I miss the kiss because it went by my lips too fast to catch.

I know that I busy a lot too. I am not innocent in this all. But I want to slow down, to take deep breaths with you, to hold your hand (not just when we are sleeping), to stroll along this quickly passing highway. I want you.

I have taken so for granted the times that we used to spend together: just laughing, playing, just laying next to each other smiling. Those are the things in life that are free.....but oh so expensive! How does one recapture that heart, that patience of love, when life is buzzing by ones ears?

I am happy to let you have freedom, but oh, how much I need my own freedom: in your arms.

~B

Alaska: Day 8

The left overs are sitting on the hutch needing to be put away.

The children are sleeping in my room.

The radio plays quietly and I am on this thing that they call the "internet".

I don't know if it's the mood or not, but it seems like everything I am reading is "doomsday-ish" and I don't like it one bit.

Two hunters killed in Alaska by a bear while hunting.

A plane crashes in another part of the world.

and the list goes on and on and on.

I shouldn't be on here you know, I should be putting away the left-overs, picking up the house from a busy weekend. I should be getting ready for a busy day at school, but nope, I'm on here, getting freaked out by bad news.

Oh yeah, and by the way, my husband said that he would call me around 9, and it's already 9:45pm. IF only I wouldn't have been reading the news!

The time that I have been away from my husband for this very short amount of time has been good for me. I have learned a lot about myself. That I need to not be so melodramatic and that I just need to handle it that he's gone. And I have done pretty well with it.

It's the distance that has been the hardest. I hate the distance. You know, if he was just 10 hours away in another state it would "feel" different, less strange. But he's there and I am here and it's just so.... DULL without him here!

Life is so much nicer with his spice around. I'll call him Se*xy Spice. ;-)

Hopefully soon he'll call and we'll chat for an hour and it will be utterly delightful. The phone calls from him have been scrumptious, I have just loved talking to him every night. It almost feels like we are dating again.....

I can't wait for Wednesday to come, I can't wait for the colors to be vibrant again.

Oh and by the way, I'm so glad that I am still this in love with my husband after all these years. :D I have been in love with him now for almost 18 years....EECK!! :)

~B

Alaska: Day 4

Dear Husband,

In case I never mentioned it to you:

I. Miss. You.

There's no way around it.

The cell phones are a blessing.

Oh! It's been incredible talking to you about your adventures!

Thanks for calling a lot so that I can get "a fix" of you, it's been great.

I have had you go away before, but never, ever this far.

It's funny what a hole is left when a husband is gone.

I can't imagine ever living without you, what a dreary existence.

I hope you call again soon and oh, please send some pictures, isn't there anyone up there with internet access?

Love,

Your Wife,

~B