Home-Edukatin'

I just don't know how to do it all , Lord.

Home-schooling gets set to the side when life gets in the way.

We did meals on wheels on Monday and then paper-route.

We did babysitting for a womens group on Tuesday; piano lessons and then a band boosters fundraiser.

Now today is here and I have to work. I just don't know how to keep up right now.

One lesson has been done this week--nothing else--but my kids learned how to smile and talk to the elderly, earn money, work hard, take care of small children, play an instrument, and help serve food to others, do laundry, wash dishes, and draw self-portraits...all in two days.

So, what looks like an incredible education to me, might look like no education to anyone else.

Sometimes, this is just how our life is--it's educational--but not educational.

Help me figure this all out, Lord. I don't know how to balance it all.

Once in a while we just have one of those weeks.....

~B

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love this time of the year--Christmas week.

My hubby is usually home for the week after the Holidays and I love it.

We stay up late laughing.

We do projects.

We make good food.

Sometimes we don't make food at all= cereal.

We go sledding.

We sometimes go to a movie.

We just bum.

It's LUXURIOUS.

It's b e a u t i f u l.

It's pure family.

It's wonderful to have him around-he brings SO very much to the dynamic of this family.

Thank you, Hubby, for it all!!

And, Lord, with all gratefulness, thank you for this beautiful slice of life.

~B

Trimming the Pine

The day after Thanksgiving has become, thanks to our children,

a holiday almost bigger than Christmas.

The Christmas music is played while the boys go into the attic and grab all the Christmas boxes.
While the girls wait and wait and watch and giggle for that magical box to appear:
See, an ornament is bought for each child the day after Christmas.
They get a chance to see it as soon as I get home--
but then it is packed away for a whole year,
until the time comes that they can actually hang it up-
-the next day after Thanksgiving.


There's the fairy that looks a lot like one of my girls in fairy-form.

The motorcycle that my son at one time wished he could ride.

That marvelous door to Narnia in tribute to all the precious Radio Theaters to which we listen.

The one that my daughter loves because her name means Dove.

The one that we have two of--one for each twin.
(Click on the picture--the details are great!)

The wonder.
The TRUE and genuine excitement about the small things.

And it is topped off with the rest of the afternoon with my little girls playing "fairies" by their beloved Christmas tree.

Ahh, Christmas.
Only Christ could have thought of this.

~B

Elisabeth Elliot

This article is really beautiful--It's so very, very true for me-- each child brings on more blessings and it's an honor to be a part of the process of helping them learn self-denial.

~B

A Child Learns Self-Denial--by Elisabeth Elliot

One of the countless blessings of my life is having a daughter who actually asks for my prayers and my advice (and heeds the latter). She phoned from California one morning, describing the difficulties of home-schooling three children in grades six, four, and one, when you also have a four-year-old who is doing nursery school and a two-year-old, Colleen, who wants to do everything. And since Evangeline Mary was born, a nursing baby now claims attention as well. How to give Colleen proper attention and teach her also to occupy herself quietly for what seemed to her long periods? Valerie was deeply concerned over whether she was doing all she should for that little one.

I reminded her of the women of Bible times--while probably not homeschooling her children, an ordinary village woman would have been working very hard most of the time, carrying heavy water jars, grinding grain, sweeping, planting and cooking while tending children. This was true also of the Indians with whom Val grew up. An Indian mother never interrupted her day's work to sit down with a small child and play or read a story, yet the children were more or less always with her, watching her work, imitating her, learning informally. They had a strong and secure home base, "and so have yours," I told her. "Don't worry! You are not doing Colleen an injustice. Quite the contrary. You are giving her wonderful things: a stable home, your presence in that home, a priceless education just in the things she observes."

The demands on Val, as on any mother of small children, are pretty relentless, of course. She does all the housework with the help of the children (a schedule of chores is posted on the refrigerator). People usually gasp when I tell them the number of my grandchildren. "Wow," said one, "it takes a special woman to have that many children." Special? Not really. Millions have done it. But it takes grace, it takes strength, it takes humility, and God stands ready to give all that is needed.

I suggested to Valerie that perhaps she could define the space which Colleen was allowed to play in during school time, and make it very clear to her that school time was quiet time for her brothers and sisters. When Valerie was Colleen's age she had to learn to play quietly alone because I was occupied for a good portion of every day in Bible translation work, or in teaching literacy and Bible classes in our house. She knew she was not to interrupt except for things I defined as "important." At that time there were seldom children of her age to play with, and she had neither siblings nor father, yet she was happy and, I think, well-adjusted. (For a certain period we had the added difficulty of living with a missionary family of six children under nine whose mother felt obliged to be more or less available for her children every minute--they were thought too young to learn not to interrupt. It was not an ordered home, and the mother herself was exhausted most of the time.)

Does this training seem hard on the child, impossible for the mother? I don't think it is. The earlier the parents begin to make the laws of order and beauty and quietness comprehensible to their children, the sooner they will acquire good, strong notions of what is so basic to real godliness: self-denial. A Christian home should be a place of peace, and there can be no peace where there is no self-denial.

Christian parents are seeking to fit their children for their inheritance in Christ. A sense of the presence of God in the home is instilled by the simple way He is spoken of, by prayer not only at meals but in family devotions and perhaps as each child is tucked into bed. The Bible has a prominent place, and it is a greatly blessed child who grows up, as I did, in a hymn-singing family. Sam and Judy Palpant of Spokane have such a home. "Each of our children has his or her own lullaby which I sing before prayer time and the final tucking into bed," Judy wrote. "That lullaby is a special part of our bedtime ritual. Whenever other children spend the night we sing 'Jesus Loves Me' as their lullaby. What a joy it was on the most recent overnighter to have the three Edminster children announce, `We have our own lullabies now!' Matt, who is twelve and who can be so swayed by the world, said, `Mine is "Jesus Keep Me Near the Cross."'"

The task of parents is to show by love and by the way they live that they belong to another Kingdom and another Master, and thus to turn their children's thoughts toward that Kingdom and that Master. The "raw material" with which they begin is thoroughly selfish. They must gently lay the yoke of respect and consideration for others on those little children, for it is their earnest desire to make of them good and faithful servants and, as Janet Erskine Stuart expressed it, "to give saints to God."

Surely it was not coincidence that my friend Ann Kiemel Anderson called just as I was finishing the above piece. She had just received little William Brandt, her fourth adopted son. The others were four and three years old and ten months. She was thrilled, and not nearly as exhausted as she expected to be, thankful for the gift of the child and for the gift of the needed grace and strength for one day (and one night) at a time.

"But oh, Elisabeth!" she said in her huskily soft voice, "when I had only one, I thought I knew all the answers. There is nothing so humbling as having two or three or four children."

I needed that reminder. Jim and I had hoped for at least four children. God gave us one, and that one gave me hardly any reason for serious worry, let alone despair. She was malleable. What "worked" for her may not work for another child, but I offer my suggestions anyway--gleaned not only from experience as the child of my parents and the parent of my child, but from observation of others. My second husband Add Leitch, whose first wife had died, had three daughters. "If I'd only had two, I could've written a book on child training," he once told me. One of them proved to him that he couldn't.

Expectations of Parenting

When the children were younger, the rules were so much easier.

• "Don't touch that."
• "Don't say rude words."
• "Don't hit."
• "Don't run out into the street."
• "Don't throw your food."
• "Touch the kitty softly."
  

These things are easy. These things are clear to my head.

But now, they are older. The rules are harder and it's more difficult to know what boundaries to put up and what freedoms to hand them.

Maybe it's the handing them part that I am failing at. Maybe I need to make them earn or work for what they expect???? It's so hard to know right now.

Example: When they were younger, table manners were a must. We were really patient with them; one can't expect a four year old to not spill food or to keep neat. But now that they are much older than that, I want to expect good table manners, but I also don't want to be the "table police" monitoring their every move...... I want them to feel the freedoms that they have earned, without me breathing down their necks.

I have been asking God to help me. I need to know what boundaries to put up for a 12 year old, 2 eleven year olds and a seven year old. I was ultimately "perfect" at knowing what to expect from them when they were younger, now I seem to fail at every attempt to do what I need to do.

See, the problem is that I want them to have freedoms. I also want them to respect their parents. It seems that the more freedoms we give them, the more they expect. EXPECT seems to be their motto right now.

They EXPECT to watch TV. They EXPECT to get computer time. They EXPECT to watch home videos whenever THEY want. They EXPECT to be able to goof off (in a disrespectful way) when they WANT to. And when these expectations are limited they look at me and tilt their heads and say "What?!?!" (in a round about way).

I know that it's MY fault.

I have set their standards lower than I should have. I need to teach them to be thankful, I need to teach them to appreciate what we give them. I need to teach them not to just EXPECT that everything will just fall into their lap.

I know that it's not just a "magic pill" that I can give them to get them to understand that life isn't just about getting. I know that it's something that starts the day they are born and you teach them as they grow. The toddler years were exhausting physically, now it's the mental exhaustion stage, I guess.

It's just that this stage seems so much more.........difficult.

Excuse me for my rambling. But I EXPECT that just by posting this, it will take a load off of my mind.

~B

Morning Glory

She got into the shower.
That little tiny girl.
She scrubbed and played and sang.

I heard her call, "Momma? Can I get out now?"

I went to ask her if she had washed her hair and when I peaked in, this is what I saw:

Life is so very, very beautiful to me.

~B

Christmas is Already a Memory......

Time came.
Time went.
They grow.
They bless.
They are amazing.
Thank you, Lord, for these children you have given us.
Thank you for these scrumptious memories and moments,
That are gone in a camera's flash.
And soon that will be all that is left of this time.
--------
Two older parents sitting on a couch, looking at those photos,
reminiscing about the past.
About their children.
About the past Christmas' joys.
-------
What a delightful life this has been.

~B

The Blessings We Happen to Get

For years we have wanted a trampoline, but my hubby and I never could plop down the money for such a "luxury" item. Money that could be spent on one of these "toys" could more easily be spent on groceries, amongst other things.

We had recently contemplated whether or not we should save up for one, but we have needs that so easily take away that money, it's hard to justify it.

So, our friend moved last weekend and asked us if we wanted her trampoline. Without jumping up and down in excitement, I answered yes very calmly and told my family.

Last week, my hubby and my brother picked it up on a trailer and brought it into our backyard and the children have been excited and exhausted at best.

The Lord is cool that way with us. When I was a kid, my grandma once told me that if you ask, you will receive. I knew that that didn't mean that God was some "cosmic genie", but I have noticed that when things that bring us immense joy, they arrive on our doorstep. Take this trampoline, for example. Money or groceries, at other times. A book that I have wanted for so long will become available at a Goodwill for a quarter; many things like that.

The Lord will give and take away what He wants to, but I sure appreciate this moment of fun.

~B

Funny Story

If I can explain this well, it's a VERY funny story, so hang with me.....

Two weeks ago I had to take my son to a natural health clinic to get something about his eye checked up on. We got into the examination room, the nurse came in and asked him different questions about his health.

One of the questions that she asked was if there was anything that he was allergic to. I answered that he doesn't drink dairy-milk because of allergies that he had when he was an infant. She asked what he does drink and I told her "Rice-milk". The lady sort of looked at me funny and wrote it down and went on her merry way.

Then, a few days later we were back in this office for a check-up on his eye. The Dr. came in, was very pleased with the results and had to go into the other room to get something. As he was leaving he handed me my son's medical sheet, I just thumbed cautiously through it with a gleam in my eye because I felt like I was reading something that I wasn't supposed to.

Under where it lists allergies, I saw that she had noted that he drinks: Breast-milk.

What?

An 11 year old boy still drinking breast-milk?

I soon realized that the woman looked at me strangely when I said, "Rice-milk" because she thought I said what she thought I had said (see above).

I told the kids about it, we had a really good laugh (we were all in the room) and then I hastily scribbled out "Breast-milk" and wrote "RICE MILK" in big letters..... so that if anyone had any doubts, they would understand what he really drinks.

Just think, that nurse probably won't ever read his allergy chart again, and everytime she sees me, she'll think of what he pours on his cereal in the morning.

Ha,

~B

Absentmindedness

I have discovered that the busier I get the less I talk to God.

I get up and do my stuff and those are the times that I talk to God and feel close to Him.

Then life gets busy with exciting things, like this play, and then I don't spend much time with Him.

The busy-ness becomes the thing that fulfills in an empty sort of way. The busy-ness keeps the mind off of what really needs to be thought of.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't pursue the things that please them, like being in a play or going for a jog; whatever. I am saying that we need to be living with our eyes wide open!

It's just that the last few days with the building enthusiasm with the theatrical production happening, the thoughts have been going towards what has been going on in our life.
The quiet moments are spent thinking about these thrilling events, and not in times of prayer and contemplation.

Today, as I zoomed out of the driveway towards play practice, I almost forgot to pray. We have a family tradition of praying before we leave the driveway; it's an awesome ritual. It forces us to stop and smell the beauty that God has placed right in front of us.

So, I almost forgot to pray when I was leaving the driveway, and I suddenly realized it and told the kids that even though life is so fun and exciting right now, that we still need to realize how awesome and beautiful and holy God is. We said a word of prayer to our great Lord and then went on our way.

In this time of driving there, I realized how easy it is to leave God behind. It's easy to say, "Aw, shucks, I can pray later."

It must be like this for the 'superstars', they pursue what is exciting and beautiful; what they don't realize is how easy it is to hold that in your hands, just by realizing how exciting and beautiful our God is.

And I can see the beauty of Christ in a play, and the children that are involved, and the adults that love the children, and the stagehands that smile when they see the kids. I can see Christ in the laughter that the play will bring into someone's lives. I can see the awesomeness of Christ; but only when I look through that looking glass.

If I thought that it was only caused by the people, then I would be missing half the joy of the show.

Thank you, Lord for your magnificent things you put all around us.

~B

Mass Confusion

Yesterday, my children, my husband and I spent the day at the theater.

What was planned was that they would run through the play without costumes or makeup one time; then they would run through it as a full dress-rehearsal.

The practice started at 2pm. The play lasts about 2 1/2 hours.

Two full rehearsals? With modifications in between? This sounded like an incredibly long time.

I was in theater in high school, but as a parent, well ..... I didn't know what to expect.

But here's what happened: They stuffed the kids in the basement (that is incredibly tiny for 30+ kids) and put in movie after movie, trying to believe that this is a way to control children.

After the kids had been down there for say, 4 HOURS, I mentioned something to the director. I suggested that the kids be allowed to come upstairs and run around. He told me that it was "good practice" for the kids. I reminded him that the play isn't going to last this long, that the kids need to be able to get out and stretch their legs. He just looked at me like he didn't know what to say.

I noticed other parents getting upset. Mothers were talking to mothers mentioning how "ridiculous" it was to expect the kids to sit in the basement for this long. I hope that someone told the director that he wasn't thinking when he thought up this plan to sequester the children for hours on end.

Finally, we couldn't handle it any longer. My husband went down to sit with the children for about an hour.

After about 5 1/2 hours had gone by, I think that enough of the women complained that the director and co. finally "let the captives free" and allowed them to eat. I walked into the lunch room and saw my kids. My youngest was crying, something that is highly unusual for her to do when she is with other people. The stress of all the yelling adults in the basement and the yelling she got, when she reached for a sandwich too soon, had gotten to her. She put her arms around me and sobbed.

Soon after, they stuffed the kids back in the basement.

I went down there right after them, knowing full well, that my two timid children wouldn't be handling this very well. I walked into UTTER chaos. It was awful, no wonder my youngest cried.

There were children everywhere, crammed into a space no larger than a large room.They were not being managed by anyone or anything. There were parents down there that weren't even expecting their children to control themselves. I was shocked by what I saw. Shocked that my children had to sit and put up with it all.

The rehearsal was over, the day was done after 7 hours and we went home. There were various children crying; craving sleep and their mommies.

As soon as we walked inside our house, three of our children started to cry (this is a true indication of how difficult their day was). They needed to have hugs and kisses, they desired it and sat all over me and my husband while we loved them up.

Children are children. They need to be looked at as children, not adults. They also need the parents to show them how to behave in situations like this. But after hours of just sitting, crying is to be expected.

~B

Home Education

One thing that I know about my children, is that they are always so willing to learn about new things.

Last week, an opportunity came to pick apples at a friends' house. The children were delighted at picking up the apples and deciding which ones were good enough to keep.

And then the real surprise came when our friend took out an apple corer/peeler. She hooked it up to the table and she cored/peeled apples right in front of the children, they watched in wonder.

Then she allowed them to do it.
They were ready and willing.

~B

Letter to Whom it May Concern

Hi,

I recently saw the ad for the "South Dakota Healthy Families" about the Campbell family and their twins. What they had was "Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome", I know, because MY identical twins had this same thing. My husband and I chose to keep both babies in utero.

The doctors DID give us choices, abortion wasn't mentioned by word, they said that in order to save the one baby, we could c-section deliver the struggling baby and see how she did, and then see how the other baby would do. We both decided that delivering one baby and risking her life was not the answer, God had put them both in there, we decided that that's where they would stay.

Also, on another note, there are doctors out there that do the "twin to twin" surgeries in utero, which are successful, they are called: Laser Coagulation of the Communicating Placental Vessels. If you google it, it will show you different options.

The reason I am e-mailing is, because today we have two beautiful, incredible and wonderful 9 1/2 year old girls. Prayer is what got these girls here, and even though it doesn't work out for everyone like it did for us, there ARE options out there for people, BESIDES abortion. My girls are PROOF!! :)

Just to let you know!

~B
------------

How horrible that they only got to bring home one.....

Memorization

As the world swirls around with economy falling apart, people having no real truths, and strange things happening everywhere, I paused in my life and realized how I need to teach my children scripture memorization.

We have our Bibles, our computers, our everything that could be taken away from us, but nothing will be able to take away my children's memories that are inside of their heads.

If I intentionally implant in their minds the Word of God, and the "good" times that we know go away, well, then I have enriched their minds with the Holy Scripture, and what a wonderful thing that is.

~B

Playing Around

I take them to play practice a few times a week.
They are all on the timid side, two of them especially so.

The night of auditions was terrifying for them, the director made them stand on stage and sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", just the four of them.
The two shy ones stood behind me trying to hide.
The other two, hands in their pockets, looked at the shy duo, wondering what to do.
The song was sung, mostly by me, and here and there you could hear their voices.

Now it is almost a month later and rehearsals are often.
Some of my children's friends are in the play and that has really opened them up,
especially the shy ones.

They try to sing with expression and with fervor.
We tell them to give it their all.
It's beautiful to watch, because they have so much talent, and they don't even recognize it.
They sing, they try to listen to what the choreographer is telling them to do.
They hold what they are supposed to hold. They make expressions like they are supposed to make.

The play is less than three weeks away.
It seems too soon.

I see my children up on that stage and I smile, close to tears, because as I watch, I see what incredible people they are growing into.

Thank you
for this
blessed
sip of life.
~B

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome

Just in case you were bored and looking for a pregnancy journal to read, go to this link at storknet.com to read my journal from ten years ago: http://www.storknet.com/journals/becky.htm

It might not interest those who read my blog, but maybe there's just one person that would find it interesting. Give it a shot.

It shows God working in utero.

~B

Children and Mothers

Psalm 127

A Pilgrim Song of Solomon

^{1 -2} If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks.
If God doesn't guard the city,
the night watchman might as well nap.
It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,
and work your worried fingers to the bone.
Don't you know he enjoys
giving rest to those he loves?
^{3 -5} Don't you see that children are God's best gift? the fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior's fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.

------

Did you see the differences in the last pictures and the scripture? Do you see the beauty in the other three illustrations?

How do a lot of women look at mothering these days? Do they look at their children and think that they are "like a warrior's fistful of arrows", being so absolutely blessed to have children? Or do they look at their children like little (or big) inconveniences in their lives.

Something has got to give.

I know that my opinion is not a popular one in this day and age, and I am somehow supposed to think that working and mothering go together. Well, from what I can see is that: they don't.

Think of these scenarios: A woman has a full time job, so does her husband. The woman is home in the morning for a while, the man home only at night. The mother comes home at suppertime to "visit" with the children, but then leaves again for work because she is a newscaster, hmmmm....something has to give and it doesn't sound like the news channel is losing, it's the children and the husband.

Take another example: two full-time working parents, a child unexpectantly comes along, this child majorly cramps their financial lifestyle. The child goes into full-time daycare, is home with the parents for 2 hours at night, the parents can barely handle it because it so crowds their lifestyles. The child is a burden, yet this is the happiest child ever seen. No fussing, no whining.

A child is born, loving and wonderful, it happens to have leg problems. I overhear the mother saying, "Oh, I'm so glad that the therapist comes to the daycare that Jane goes to, then I don't have to miss work." What?

A child is born, the grandmother takes care of the children in the summer, the grandmother happens to have to miss a day or two of taking care of them and it throws the mother into a tizzy. It's inconveniencing her life, to have to find someone else to take care of her children, even though the grandmother's husband is recovering from surgery in some hospital an hour away.

When is it going to end? When will we realize that is in an HONOR to have children? It is far more precious than any amount of money to have children. Something has to give and it's the children that are giving and giving and giving.

I heard an illustration one time about how we tell our kids: "You just hold this large rock here and soon I will be back and we will be able to spend time together, as soon as I pay off this huge house mortgage." So, the child holds and holds and holds the rock, all the while being happy, but soon the childs arms get tired, and one day, the parent comes home and the child is gone; the rock has dropped. The child doesn't want anything to do with the parent, because, well, the parents kept telling the child to wait. The child couldn't wait any longer......

I completely understand that there are many mothers and fathers out there that want their kids to be able to be taken care of by the parents and that they are unable to. I understand that there are widows, and single moms that have been devastated by their husbands chasing some dream and leaving them in the dust. I understand these circumstances, but can't we see the damage and the cycle that we are creating in most other circumstances?

Where did trusting God and His provision go? Do not one of us trust Him? Someone needs to care for our children, and do you want it to be the woman down the street that has 10 other children that she is watching at the same time? How can that woman give the same love as the love of the mother and father? How can it be possible that this is good for us and for the children.

There are now 24 hour daycares, ack! 24 hour daycare...... what comfort can a child get when in the night she wakes up, having a nightmare and running into the arms of her..........assigned night-watchman(woman). My children, the first five years of their lives, desperately needed my help in the night, getting over leg pains, getting over nightmares, getting over being scared by a scary shadow. What are we doing to these children of ours?

I have been blessed, and I know it. I do not take my being at home for granted. I have been here for their sadnesses, their laughter, their hurts and their dreams. I have been blessed enough to be here for their growing. I have been here because the Lord has allowed it, and I have trusted Him enough to provide.

We are not rich in money. We live in a modest little house and have modest little things. We don't drive new cars. We don't have new clothes. But we are by far richer than most people in this town. In fact, I only know of one or two others that stay home with their children. My town is almost a population of 3,000. There are only a few that stay home. I think maybe three. I could be wrong.

What are we doing to our children? And why? Is it to get the "Pot o' Gold" at the end of our figurative rainbow? When all of these working parents are in their nursing homes and they don't know their little ones, do you think that those "Little ones" will want to come and visit them? Doubtful, they'll be too busy chasing their own dream.

They say that you reap what you sow. What in the world is America sewing? What good can come from most of the children being in daycare? What good is there? How can we expect to have a relationship with them, when all we do is work, and buy ourselves toys?

Is one hour a day, sitting and eating and reading enough to garner a healthy relationship for a child?
How can it be?

How can you not cringe, when you walk into a daycare and they have 10 highchairs lined up and the childcare provider is shoveling the food into the face and moving on down the line? What comfort and happiness is there? There is absolutely no relationship.

No wonder nobody cares about anyone else anymore~~we never cared for them in the past, what would be in it for them?

~B

Feeling the Empty Nest

For the past 11 years, I have been a mother.
I have wiped bottoms, noses and highchairs endlessly.
I have hugged, disciplined and laughed too many times to count.
I have had amazing days where I didn't want it to end and
I have had days, that I wished would have never started.

Yesterday, I felt it all starting to slowly, painfully slip away.

See, my children are no longer:

• newborns
• toddlers
• Kindergarteners

They are now on that part of life where, little by little, they are gaining their independence from me. This is how it's supposed to be. Where I work myself, ever so slowly, out of a job.

But yesterday hurt.
All four children were off somewhere.
Somewhere playing with their friends.
Somewhere playing at the pool.
Somewhere dreaming about their futures.

And I was washing dishes wondering who I will be when they are gone, out of this house and onto their lives.

Who will I be?

I know that if you aren't a stay at home mom, you won't understand. You have your careers, you have your friends, you have all that surrounding you. I have these four souls surrounding me. What will I be without them?

In 12 short years, all of my children will be 18 and above. I have lived in this house almost 12 years. All four of the children were welcomed into this very home the day they came back from the hospital. All of my important and major memories are here:

• Bringing home my first-born son, me and my husband being amazed at what a tiny little creature we helped bring into this world.
  
• Wanting more children, getting pregnant with twins. Having a difficult time as they struggled through the NICU.
  
• Getting pregnant again, having to rush to the hospital because labor was going so fast. Having an incredible birth and the nurse telling us, "That's the most peaceful birth I have ever witnessed."

The diapers, the noses, the tears, the fights, the happinesses, the frustrations. The sleepless nights!

The growing. The growing. The growing.

They can all go to the pool without me now.

Maybe you don't see the significance in that:
They can all go to the pool without me now.

Just last year, my youngest wasn't able to go without me.

Where is my purpose going? Where is this all headed.

They're growing. This is good, right?

I am teaching them to be future adults. I am teaching them to be future mothers and fathers.

I am teaching them how to live and love.

I make so many mistakes. But God is good...... a friend always says that, and it strikes me as incredibly encouraging. God is good. He will take my mistakes and He will work through them.

But I am still right back at where I started. What will I be in 12 years?

I don't want to be a career-woman.

I want to be a mom.

I don't want to work in an office.

I want to be a mom.

What will I be, when the time comes for them to go?

A mom, but to what?

Four adults that don't really need me.....

Will I spend my days cleaning a house that's already clean enough? Will I stand by the sink and pretend to wash dishes? Will I wish that there were clothes to wash and fold?

What is there that God has planned for this little person in the world?

I want to be a mom.

My inner most desire is to be a mom.

I want nothing else.

Like an artist who knows nothing except to do his art, I want to be this mom.

~B

Ever So Thankful.....

With all of the darkness and violence and mental illness invading the world. I stop and contemplate my little teeny-tiny family.

My ten year old loves me.

My other children love me.

and

They know they are loved.

Deeply.

Genuinely.

Really.

A gunman, in Omaha?

That's too close for comfort.

A mere 4 hours away.

8 people plus himself, killed?

Scary.

Sad.

The news said that when he was ten, he threatened to kill his step-mom.

I don't know his situations from his life.

I don't know who his parents were/are.

I just know that I am

deeply

Grateful

for having my kids here

with me.

I am thankful for having to yell at them for

"being too loud",

or

"not listening".

I would rather have that than

have one of them threaten my life.

I am so thankful for my home.

For my stable enviroment here.

I am thankful for my husband who is faithful

and

loving

and

God-fearing.

We all need a little more of that fear in our hearts, don't you think?

Thank you Father, for all of these humongous blessings that

you have bestowed upon this little family.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

~B

I home-educate my kids. At times it's frustrating with being an "at-home" educator because of "regular" life things. The past few weeks have been a good example of how easy it is for this specific HS family to get de-railed.

In a public school setting, the kids would be taken to school in the morning and they wouldn't get home until the middle of the afternoon. The mother then would either have the option of staying at home and keeping busy there or going to work outside the home.

Staying at home during this time, while the kids were at school, would more than likely afford the luxuries of getting all the housework done (or most of it?), getting to things that she is behind on and also having the opportunities to do "extra" things, like getting together for coffee occassionally with others. I'm not saying that this is the case for all "s-a-h-Moms", but I am guessing that a lot of them, take these opportunities at times in their lives.

A Home-educating mom is different. She sets her priorities in front of herself, and she decides what needs to be done for the kids' education and then she balances it out with life. Being HOME is an education in itself for the children, teaching them to deal with the "intteruptions" of life is an important thing so that it doesn't hit them in the face when they are out of the nest. But when the intteruptions become an everyday thing, then it is time for the mother of the pack to set down some very clear boundaries for herself and the children.

Life has been full of ups and downs lately in my extended family. I have been helping one of them and I have been more than happy to be of help. No problems there. The problems are serious enough that I need to take time away from the everyday schedule of HS, and I have been good with it. But now I need to start re-prioritizing.

Since I am a HS, SAHM (you follow?) I am a rare breed and I am almost always home. This means that people know that I am home and that since I am home, well then they feel comfortable letting me take care of their children. No problem. But in the past, it has become a problem and I have started in the past year to start saying no to the people that asked quite often, especially during the school day.

Now, I am not trying to give the impression of complaint right now, that is not at all my point. It's just that I have learned AGAIN about myself that I need to RE-set my boundaries, which are so easy for me to be lax about. I want to make people happy...... By not helping them....... I won't be making them happy, right?

So, this past Monday and Tuesday, school was all set to go, and then life got in the way. Serious family things were needing serious attention. And then a valuable friend needed help with us watching her child because the childcare provider's relative died, no problem whatsoever! I was and am happy that we were able to help care for that child. Then, during yesterday someone else called and asked me to watch their child, sort of in an assuming way, and I just had to stand back and say, "This is fine, I love these people, I need to help." And with all of my heart I am fine with it that another school day was eaten away.

Mind you, my children helped immensley with these other children. And children are blessings and so by us having those children here, we were incredibly blessed! It was an education in itself, but it still wasn't their subjects......

So today, someone stopped by and asked if I was going to someone's house tomorrow for dessert (I had received an invitation). I told her, "No, I wasn't able to teach the children on Monday or Tuesday, I really have to prioritize their schooling over this." The person looked at me and snottily said, "Oh! Wow."

I have to come to accept this. I cannot change my boundaries all the time for everyone else. I just can't. But why is this "Oh! Wow" moment so hard for me to accept. Why do I even have to explain myself?? I do not have to explain my boundaries! I need to realize this........

Just. Needed. To. Vent.

~B