Over a summer when I was 9/10 years old I had few friends. I lived in the country and playing with friends was few and far between. My brother and sister were much older than me and so they had moved out by the time I was 5 and I was basically an "only child".
During this particular time, a new family moved into the area that I lived and when I was able to, I would go and play at their house.
My Mom got to know the mom and she was a very nice and gentle lady. The Dad worked full-time and so he wasn't around a whole lot. A very nice family indeed.
As I got to know this girl, I figured out soon that she was the one who would control the relationship. She would get frustrated with me if I didn't play the games that she wanted to play and she would often insult me. Me, being who I was at that time, just complied--I didn't know what else to do.
The relationship changed. She began having me do things that I really didn't want to do, but being the child that I was, I thought that I had to listen to whatever requests she made because I didn't want to make her upset.
There were secret trips to her neighbors house while they were gone; she opened the garage door (because she fed the guinea pigs while they were gone) and she took me into a back room and showed me the neighbors neatly packaged rock collection. Pressed into styrofoam and nicely labeled, the rocks were stunning. She told me that we had to steal them--I protested, she put up a fuss and I helped her. I remember my heart racing, full of fear and dread because this wasn't fun to me.
Another time, she "made" me go across a pole that ran through the middle of their barn. I was afraid of heights, she pushed and called me names--I walked across crying. She taunted me and teased me as I went. I don't remember feeling anything--just immense sadness that I was doing something so wrong that she kept on doing these things to me (I think I felt that I must have deserved it).
I don't know how many things that she did to me, but I know that the control got worse and worse.
I also don't recall the time-line that happened with this relationship and so I don't know where my head was when she made her worst request--to molest me.
I remember that in the beginning I was happy to have her for a friend. I remember that she was fun. I remember that we were playing with some baking thing and she made a request. I ran to the phone to call my mom-- I was scared and bewildered. Then she said the thing that my heart couldn't take: "You won't have any friends--I won't be your friend." She knew where my weak spot was.
I look back and I cringe. Why did I go back to her? Was I so concerned with having a "friend" that I put myself on the chopping block willingly?
I see bits and pieces of what she did to me, I can't recall big chunks of it. I don't know if it happened more than once. All I know is that I was frightened and scared and too afraid to tell anyone.
I changed a lot that summer. I gained a lot of weight. I became a lot more insecure, a lot less silly. I had something ripped away from me, and I didn't even know what.
The time finally came and I don't know how long it was, where my mother was wanting me to go over there again. She reminded me what a nice family they were and how I had always wanted a friend and here I had one and I didn't want to go there anymore......
I don't remember what I said, but I remember sitting on the couch and leaning on my much older sister and feeling safe. I whispered to her something and I never again had to go there to that girls house.
The story goes that my sister walked up to my mom and told her, "B shouldn't go to that girl's house anymore." I never did again.
Thank God for a sister's help.
So, today, the reason that I share this is that 1) I'm going to counseling and it seems to be helping me deal with this sort of stuff and 2) I had an "aha" moment today.
My "Aha" moment came to me today while I was doing something around the house. I was worrying about making a friend upset because I had my own personal opinion {they didn't share the same thoughts with me}. I felt myself shaking and feeling scared. I was worrying about losing the friendship because I held a different view than that of my friend.
I wanted to recant my opinion just to appease that friend--even though they were not asking me to recant.
I wanted to agree with them just because I didn't want to lose them.
Sound repetitive?..... it's the same lie that I have been telling myself all these years.
Aha. {deep breath}
I am still learning. Still learning that I do not have to agree with people just so that they love me.
I can run to the phone and "call my mom" if I want to.
I don't have to have people's permission to be me.
I can be who God created me to be without anyone's permission. I don't have to make anyone happy (except God, but he's not just anyone), if I don't want to.
Hard concept, but I'm glad I reached this benchmark--finally.
~B
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