Realization

It's so hard to see what you grew up to be.

I can't control you.

And you sure aren't controlling you.

Won't you be embarrassed when you wake up from your drunken stupor?

~B

Projected Anger Ahead

To Whom it May Concern:

When I came up with the idea to get people interested in getting our church a power point projector, I had NO idea that everyone would get their undies in such a bind.

I talked to the treasurer and asked her if there were any steps that we needed to take in order to start raising funds for the projector, she told me, no-that the people that wanted to start the fund could just donate it into the general fund and designate it for this.

The people that did end up donating to this fund, were excited, to say the least. We thought about other churches and how they used their projectors and how cool it would be if our church could use one too.

Just think: we can let the pastor use it to enhance his sermons sometimes. We could use it to air certain videos or to do a slideshow at different venues. We could even STOP borrowing projectors from that other little tiny church in another town and instead use our OWN. Imagine that.

Last night at the meeting, I was SHOCKED at how stupid and tense people can be about things like this.

I know, I know... people don't always agree on things. I know, I know, there will always be disputes and all that--but over this? THE MONEY WAS ALREADY DONATED.

Can you read that people? The participants that donated this money, didn't stop tithing, they gave above and beyond their tithe so that this could be made possible-- they still donate their time to church and they are not just sitting there thinking how wonderful they are. THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

So, I will write out my ANGER on this blog and I will keep my real feelings from YOU because I am thinking that people are pretty stupid right now.

HOW WILL OUR CHURCH GROW IF WE DON'T KEEP ON GROWING.

As far as I'm concerned, you can take the projector and shove it--it was supposed to be a gift.

B

Just an Overwhelming Loneliness

I am so sad today. I am so lonely today.
It's summer outside and the world is screaming for me to do something, but yet I sit here, being alone and just having an overwhelming sadness around me.

I have friends, but no friends like the one I recently lost (she moved). Talking on the phone with her is nice, but it's just not the same as when we used to get together.

Now I feel like I took a hundred steps backwards in the friendship realm. No one to talk to and not one person to confide in about how alone I am feeling.

On another note, my husband and I have been working fervently on a marriage issue that keeps popping up. We went and talked to some "counselors" ~~GASP! and they really set us up on a good track. They gave us "assignments" to work on and suggested books to read.

So, we read the book, we did the assignments, life was really good....when we were working really hard. Now life seems to have gone back to where it was: I feel alone and misunderstood, he feels.... I dont know what he feels right now?

His work schedule has picked up, that's fine with me, but there's so much more to life than earning big bucks. Can't there be a happy medium when one works hard, where they keep a small part of their heart to share with the rest of the family?

I know he's working hard. I know that his heart is just trying to balance out life with the new work schedule. But it's such a lonely adjustment for me.

I don't know if he gets lonely in these situations.

I know that I can't depend on others to completely fill me. I need to go to God to be completely filled. But in my human capacity, I constantly am thinking that humans are the "need-filler" that I want.

What would make me happy right now? And whoever said that I needed to be happy at all times? No one is promised that, that's for sure!

So, anyway, this is probably something that belongs in my diary, but I decided to write it here instead.

~B

Discontent

AARRGGHH!

I don't want to be a responsible person today.

I just want to be by myself, I don't want to answer any questions.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want to solve anyone's problems.

I just want to sit and be alone.

I want to contemplate life and listen to the wind.

I want to go on a walk and not carry any burdens!

Everything I have and need is right here, but right now

it's not what I want.

I just want aloneness

and

quietness

and

stillness.

I don't want to help anyone.

I don't want to get anything for anyone.

I know it's just a moment in time.

Tomorrow I will be lonely and wondering

why I was feeling this way, wishing that I was surrounded

by people.

But not today.

~B

Unjust Jealousy

We have friends.

They have friends.

Their friends and our friends go on little vacations together.

I get jealous..... It's unjust and wrong of me.

I want to go on a vacation with close friends.....

How silly am I?

~B

I home-educate my kids. At times it's frustrating with being an "at-home" educator because of "regular" life things. The past few weeks have been a good example of how easy it is for this specific HS family to get de-railed.

In a public school setting, the kids would be taken to school in the morning and they wouldn't get home until the middle of the afternoon. The mother then would either have the option of staying at home and keeping busy there or going to work outside the home.

Staying at home during this time, while the kids were at school, would more than likely afford the luxuries of getting all the housework done (or most of it?), getting to things that she is behind on and also having the opportunities to do "extra" things, like getting together for coffee occassionally with others. I'm not saying that this is the case for all "s-a-h-Moms", but I am guessing that a lot of them, take these opportunities at times in their lives.

A Home-educating mom is different. She sets her priorities in front of herself, and she decides what needs to be done for the kids' education and then she balances it out with life. Being HOME is an education in itself for the children, teaching them to deal with the "intteruptions" of life is an important thing so that it doesn't hit them in the face when they are out of the nest. But when the intteruptions become an everyday thing, then it is time for the mother of the pack to set down some very clear boundaries for herself and the children.

Life has been full of ups and downs lately in my extended family. I have been helping one of them and I have been more than happy to be of help. No problems there. The problems are serious enough that I need to take time away from the everyday schedule of HS, and I have been good with it. But now I need to start re-prioritizing.

Since I am a HS, SAHM (you follow?) I am a rare breed and I am almost always home. This means that people know that I am home and that since I am home, well then they feel comfortable letting me take care of their children. No problem. But in the past, it has become a problem and I have started in the past year to start saying no to the people that asked quite often, especially during the school day.

Now, I am not trying to give the impression of complaint right now, that is not at all my point. It's just that I have learned AGAIN about myself that I need to RE-set my boundaries, which are so easy for me to be lax about. I want to make people happy...... By not helping them....... I won't be making them happy, right?

So, this past Monday and Tuesday, school was all set to go, and then life got in the way. Serious family things were needing serious attention. And then a valuable friend needed help with us watching her child because the childcare provider's relative died, no problem whatsoever! I was and am happy that we were able to help care for that child. Then, during yesterday someone else called and asked me to watch their child, sort of in an assuming way, and I just had to stand back and say, "This is fine, I love these people, I need to help." And with all of my heart I am fine with it that another school day was eaten away.

Mind you, my children helped immensley with these other children. And children are blessings and so by us having those children here, we were incredibly blessed! It was an education in itself, but it still wasn't their subjects......

So today, someone stopped by and asked if I was going to someone's house tomorrow for dessert (I had received an invitation). I told her, "No, I wasn't able to teach the children on Monday or Tuesday, I really have to prioritize their schooling over this." The person looked at me and snottily said, "Oh! Wow."

I have to come to accept this. I cannot change my boundaries all the time for everyone else. I just can't. But why is this "Oh! Wow" moment so hard for me to accept. Why do I even have to explain myself?? I do not have to explain my boundaries! I need to realize this........

Just. Needed. To. Vent.

~B

Grateful Peaceful

When I created this banner for my website, I really sat down and thought about what I wanted it to be about. The words displayed on it are based on a Sara Groves song. But it's words are significant to me:

"(I want to be:) Grateful, Faithful, Peaceful, Thankful."

This title that I chose are the true things in my heart. I DO want to be those things. I don't want to overlook the beauty in everyday life, I want to be faithful to my friends and family, I want to be grateful for what the Awesome Savior has given me. I want to be thankful, but most of all I want to be peaceful, in a way that only can be described as a peace from God.

BUT I haven't been peaceful, grateful, thankful or ANY of these things that are on my banner right now. I should change it to:

"(I am being:) Ungrateful, Unhappy, and Not-Very-Faithful"

How do you like the ring of that?

And what pictures should I have up there, pictures of skulls, dead flowers and mutilated couches?

Sounds good to me! ;-)

I suppose that at some point in everyone's lives, that they reach a few times a year that they are being sinful like me. They can't see the silver lining in the clouds, they can only see how pathetic they have become.

Like me.

I'm so pathetic right now.

I can't believe that I can be loved!

But even though I am this stinking crawiling creature right now

it's cool to know that God understands me and wants me

to come to Him to release this blechy existence.

~B

What has the world come to......

This is an article that I happened to find via: blestwithsons.com

I find the incident that inspired this article to be revolting and nauseating.

Please read.

Here's the original url: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,296683,00.html

~B

The Inaccuracy of Kathy Griffin's Remarks on Jesus
Thursday , September 13, 2007

By Lauren Green

I just don't understand comedian Kathy Griffin. Please understand that I like her. She's been on the FOX News Channel quite a bit and for the brief times we've talked, I've found her to be funny and self-effacing.

So, it puzzled me at first, then angered me second, that she would accept an award and then insult a man who preached love and acceptance. Why would someone do that? William Donohue of the Catholic League was so angry that he used the “b” word to describe her (rhymes with rich).

In case you haven't yet heard, on Saturday night at the Creative Arts Emmy Awards, Kathy Griffin won a trophy for her show, "My Life on the D-List." Griffin is sort of the female Rodney Dangerfield. Her gimmick is that she's an entertainer who doesn't get a lot of respect. When she accepted her long-awaited award, she said: "A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus."

Now I could have been mildly insulted at that and turned the other cheek, as the founder of Christianity taught. But then she went on to say "Suck it, Jesus. This award is my God now."

Needless to say, she offended me and millions of other Christians.

I don't know what went through her mind and why she would think that was cutting edge or even funny. But first, I want to actually show you that, in fact, Kathy Griffin is wrong. Jesus had everything to do with her winning that award. And here's the reasoning.

Jesus died on a cross 2,000 years ago. His dying words were, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." He died and they buried him in a rock cut tomb. Three days later, as the Bible says, he rose from the dead. That day is what Christians celebrate as Easter.

After the resurrection, Christianity began to take off like wildfire, spreading from the Middle East northward to Europe and westward into Ethiopia. In 300 A.D. Emperor Constantine accepted Christianity and it beccame the religion of Europe. Rome soon became the seat of the faith. After several years of human failings, the church went through conflicts and quite a few unbiblical years — the crusades and the inquisition to name just two. Out of that came the Reformation — the reforming of the Church, sort of a back-to-basics Bible and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Out of the Reformation emerged a vision of law by Samuel Rutherford, called Lex is Rex, Law is King. From that, others devised a secular version that is used to help lay the foundation of government for a new land called America. Ninety-four percent of America's founding era documents mention the Bible; 34 percent quote the Bible directly. The idea of bringing unity to the universal is a particularly Biblical concept.

The freedoms we enjoy in this country to speak freely and to live freely are directly related to that man who died on a cross 2,000 years ago.

So, you see, Kathy Griffin, Jesus has everything to do with you winning that award. You live in a free country where your abilities can be recognized if you're willing to work hard enough. That's at least the dream of America. If you'd been born in many other parts of the world, your daily activity might involve seeking out a way to survive, or even trying to avoid persecution and death. Luxuries like pursuing a career in the entertainment industry would never have been realized; luxuries like being able to insult the founder of a religion of forgiveness and acceptance would not have been possible.

Kathy Griffin, just because you "can" say something, doesn't mean you "should." When you say "suck it, Jesus," you didn't just insult Christianity … you insulted the very reason you've prospered.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lauren Green serves as a religion correspondent for the FOX News Channel. Prior to this, Green served as a news anchor for “Fox and Friends,” where she provided daily news updates and covered arts for the network.

Vanity

Today, I was reading "On the Banks of Plum Creek", a Little House on the Prairie book. In the book was a chapter about a party that Mary and Laura were going to have at their house in the country. They invited a few friends, most from "town" and showed them around their humble abode.

In the process, Nellie Oleson came:

The girls came laughing and splashing through the sunny water, all except for Nellie. She had to take off her shoes and stockings and she complained that the gravel hurt her feet. She said: 'I don't go barefooted. I have shoes and stockings.'

She was wearing a new dress and big, new hair-ribbon bows.

"Is that Jack?" Christy asked, and they all patted him and said what a good dog he was. But when he politely wagged to Nellie, she said: "Go away! Don't you touch my dress!"

"Jack wouldn't touch your dress," Laura said.

They went up the path between the blowing grasses and wild flowers, to the house where Ma was waiting. Mary told her the girls' names one by one, and she smiled her lovely smile and spoke to them. But Nellie smoothed down her new party dress and said to Ma: "Of course I didn't wear my best dress to just a country party."
---------

The girls later had "vanity cakes" that Ma had made:

They ate and ate of those vanity cakes. They said they had never tasted anything so good, and they asked Ma what they were.

"Vanity cakes," Ma said. "Because they are all puffed up, like vanity, with nothing solid inside."
----------
Later on, the curriculum had a question for me to ask the kids: "Who were the vanity cakes like?" The kids answered Nellie, of course.

Nellie, for some reason, summed up her worth and other people's worth in the form of how they looked and what they owned.

Such a shame, such a shame.

Edited by the author. ;-)

~B