Two Wills

This picture represents the wills
of two people married to one another.

Two wills that have been friends for almost 19 years.

Eagles are strong, beautiful, majestic; when they fight... it hurts.

Struggles in a healthy marriage are inevitable. They happen. Oh, but they cut.

I won't give up. I know this inherently.

A covenant made between God and two people cannot be broken.

We made a promise and we will both keep it.

But, ugh, this little struggle is hard right now for this little eagle.

~B

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome

Just in case you were bored and looking for a pregnancy journal to read, go to this link at storknet.com to read my journal from ten years ago: http://www.storknet.com/journals/becky.htm

It might not interest those who read my blog, but maybe there's just one person that would find it interesting. Give it a shot.

It shows God working in utero.

~B

Hero

In this world, I notice how women are not taken proper care of by their husbands. Women do not let themselves be cared for by men because it might be a sign of "weakness". Men don't allow themselves to take care of their wives because they maybe weren't properly taught by the examples in their lives or possibly because they are afraid that the women will retaliate and embarrass them for stepping in. It could just be that it's downright scary for them to have to face this part of being a male.

This women wants to be a damzel that is going to be taken care of by her knight in shining armor.

Recently something came about where I needed my knight. I never expected him to rise up so valiantly and honorably.....but he did.

He saw a wrong. He picked up his sword. He slayed the dragon (figuratively speaking).

I stand here in awe at the prince I have in my presence. What a wonder to behold that this knight is willing to get bloody and scarred just for me. Just because he loves me. Just because I am his and he is mine.

I don't think that he will ever be able to comprehend what respect I gained for him in doing this for me.

~B

Feeling the Empty Nest

For the past 11 years, I have been a mother.
I have wiped bottoms, noses and highchairs endlessly.
I have hugged, disciplined and laughed too many times to count.
I have had amazing days where I didn't want it to end and
I have had days, that I wished would have never started.

Yesterday, I felt it all starting to slowly, painfully slip away.

See, my children are no longer:

• newborns
• toddlers
• Kindergarteners

They are now on that part of life where, little by little, they are gaining their independence from me. This is how it's supposed to be. Where I work myself, ever so slowly, out of a job.

But yesterday hurt.
All four children were off somewhere.
Somewhere playing with their friends.
Somewhere playing at the pool.
Somewhere dreaming about their futures.

And I was washing dishes wondering who I will be when they are gone, out of this house and onto their lives.

Who will I be?

I know that if you aren't a stay at home mom, you won't understand. You have your careers, you have your friends, you have all that surrounding you. I have these four souls surrounding me. What will I be without them?

In 12 short years, all of my children will be 18 and above. I have lived in this house almost 12 years. All four of the children were welcomed into this very home the day they came back from the hospital. All of my important and major memories are here:

• Bringing home my first-born son, me and my husband being amazed at what a tiny little creature we helped bring into this world.
  
• Wanting more children, getting pregnant with twins. Having a difficult time as they struggled through the NICU.
  
• Getting pregnant again, having to rush to the hospital because labor was going so fast. Having an incredible birth and the nurse telling us, "That's the most peaceful birth I have ever witnessed."

The diapers, the noses, the tears, the fights, the happinesses, the frustrations. The sleepless nights!

The growing. The growing. The growing.

They can all go to the pool without me now.

Maybe you don't see the significance in that:
They can all go to the pool without me now.

Just last year, my youngest wasn't able to go without me.

Where is my purpose going? Where is this all headed.

They're growing. This is good, right?

I am teaching them to be future adults. I am teaching them to be future mothers and fathers.

I am teaching them how to live and love.

I make so many mistakes. But God is good...... a friend always says that, and it strikes me as incredibly encouraging. God is good. He will take my mistakes and He will work through them.

But I am still right back at where I started. What will I be in 12 years?

I don't want to be a career-woman.

I want to be a mom.

I don't want to work in an office.

I want to be a mom.

What will I be, when the time comes for them to go?

A mom, but to what?

Four adults that don't really need me.....

Will I spend my days cleaning a house that's already clean enough? Will I stand by the sink and pretend to wash dishes? Will I wish that there were clothes to wash and fold?

What is there that God has planned for this little person in the world?

I want to be a mom.

My inner most desire is to be a mom.

I want nothing else.

Like an artist who knows nothing except to do his art, I want to be this mom.

~B

Just an Overwhelming Loneliness

I am so sad today. I am so lonely today.
It's summer outside and the world is screaming for me to do something, but yet I sit here, being alone and just having an overwhelming sadness around me.

I have friends, but no friends like the one I recently lost (she moved). Talking on the phone with her is nice, but it's just not the same as when we used to get together.

Now I feel like I took a hundred steps backwards in the friendship realm. No one to talk to and not one person to confide in about how alone I am feeling.

On another note, my husband and I have been working fervently on a marriage issue that keeps popping up. We went and talked to some "counselors" ~~GASP! and they really set us up on a good track. They gave us "assignments" to work on and suggested books to read.

So, we read the book, we did the assignments, life was really good....when we were working really hard. Now life seems to have gone back to where it was: I feel alone and misunderstood, he feels.... I dont know what he feels right now?

His work schedule has picked up, that's fine with me, but there's so much more to life than earning big bucks. Can't there be a happy medium when one works hard, where they keep a small part of their heart to share with the rest of the family?

I know he's working hard. I know that his heart is just trying to balance out life with the new work schedule. But it's such a lonely adjustment for me.

I don't know if he gets lonely in these situations.

I know that I can't depend on others to completely fill me. I need to go to God to be completely filled. But in my human capacity, I constantly am thinking that humans are the "need-filler" that I want.

What would make me happy right now? And whoever said that I needed to be happy at all times? No one is promised that, that's for sure!

So, anyway, this is probably something that belongs in my diary, but I decided to write it here instead.

~B

Trust in Me

You told me I could trust in You.

To help me with my struggles, to help me with my worries.

You are telling me to just take Your hand and walk along with You.

I should have no preconceived notions about how to live this life, just walking beside You like a child at a busy fair with their Parent.

I so trust in You, Lord. Help me to give You my all. Help me to give to You what is rightfully Yours. Help me not to hold onto my human understanding.

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Excerpted from Prince Caspian by C.S.Lewis:

"Aslan, Aslan. Dear Aslan," sobbed Lucy. "At Last."

The great beast rolled over on his side so that Lucy fell, half sitting and half lying between his front paws. He bent forward and just touched her nose with his tongue. His warm breath came all around her. She gazed up into the large wise face.

"Welcome, child," he said.
"Aslan," said Lusy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."
For a time she was so happy that she did not want to speak. But Aslan spoke.
"Lucy," he said, "we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today."
"Yes, wasn't it a shame?" said Lucy. "I saw you all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so---"
From somewhere deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.
"I'm sorry," said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. "I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault anyway, was it?"
The lion looked straight into her eyes.
"Oh Aslan," said Lucy. "You don't mean it was? How could I--I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that.....oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?"
Aslan said nothing.
"You mean," said Lucy rather faintly, "that it would have turned out all right--somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?"
"To know what would have happened, child?" said Aslan. "No, nobody is ever told that."
"Oh dear," said Lucy.
"But anyone can find out what will happen," said Aslan. "If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me--what will happen? There is only one way of finding out."
"Do you mean that is what you want me to do?" gasped Lucy.
"Yes, little one," said Aslan.
"Will the others see you too?" asked Lucy.
"Certainly not at first," said Aslan. "Later on, it depends."
"But they won't believe me!" said Lucy.
"It doesn't matter," said Aslan.
"Oh dear, oh dear," said Lucy. "And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd let me stay. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away--like the last time. And now everything is going to be horrid."
"It is hard for you, little one," said Aslan. "But things never happen the same way twice. It has been hard for us all in Narnia before now."
Lucy buried her hair in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been magic in his mane. She could feel lion strength going into her. Quite suddenly she sat up.
"I'm sorry, Aslan," she said. "I'm ready now."
"Now you are a lioness," said Aslan. "And now all Narnia will be renewed. But come. We have no time to lose."
He got up and walked away with stately, noiseless paces back to the belt of dancing trees through which she had just come: and Lucy went with him, laying a rather tremulous hand on his mane. The trees parted to let them through and for one second assumed their human forms completely. Lucy had a glimpse of tall and lovely wood-gods and wood-goddesses all bowing to the Lion; next moment they were trees again, but still bowing, with such graceful sweeps of branch and trunk that their bowing was itself a kind of dance.
"Now, child," said Aslan, when they had left the trees behind them, "I will wait here. Go and wake the others and tell them to follow. If they will not, then you at least must follow me alone."

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I am Your Lucy, Lord. Help me to walk towards You even when it seems that I'll be walking alone.

Help me trust in You always Lord.

Help me not to lean on my own understandings.

~B

Alaska: Revisited?

Last fall my husband went to Kodiak, Alaska, or maybe it's Kodiak Island, Alaska..... I don't know, but now is the time of year again where he has to decide if he should go again.

When I found out last year, my gut reaction was, "Well, of course this husband of mine needs to go! This has been a dream that he has always wanted to achieve. 'Lord, help me be selfless and blessed by his leaving.' I need to let him go."

But now, preparing my heart for him to leave again this fall, I am not feeling that way. I am feeling quite the opposite. When he said that the opportunity was again here, my heart didn't smile. My brain didn't work overtime trying to figure out how to try and make it work, it just sort of fell flat.

I really don't want him to go.

But I don't want to stand in his way either.

I don't want to be one of those women that controls their men into only doing what they, the wife, wants to do.

I don't want him to go. Am I being selfish?

Part of me says I am being selfish.

The other parts of me are saying, "Go ahead, be selfish, he doesn't need to go again......yet!!"

Last time he was gone 11 days.

This time it would be 19.....NINETEEN days.

This is a long time for this non-army wife.

I don't want him to go for so long.

I would maybe consider it if it was ten days. But this is too long.

Am I stifling him by not giving him this freedom?

I just don't know.

~B

P.S. to previous post (read that one before this one)

Just a side note to the last post I did.(Read previous post first, if you haven't already).

I had dropped hints at this guy, and he never would respond to wanting more in our relationship. It became a "fight". When we would talk about it, it was always me pressing the issue. I was frustrated by the amount of time that it was taking for the relationship to get going, he was frustrated by the fact that I was always nagging him to tell me more about where our relationship was going. It was a cycle.

Eventually he started spending more time with me and we reached a "plateau" where we no longer seemed just friends, but we hadn't taken any steps towards anything else. Just a natural progression, I guess. But it wasn't from my nagging that was causing us to be closer, it was just how it "happened".......

One unexpected day, months after all the arguing and nagging, he ended up giving me a small kiss. Nothing crazy-romantic like in the movies, but just an indication of his interest in me.

We took it slow, he wanted to take it real slow. Too scary to go too fast; I wish we would have gone even slower. For when passions are awakened, then that's when it gets serious and scary especially when your body wants to naturally move along and all your heart wants to do is honor the God Almighty.

We both wanted that. We both had incredibly "dangerous" desires for one another once we started down that slope of a romantic relationship.....

If my then-boyfriend (now my hubby) would have pushed me for s**ex, I would have put my desires first and done that with him. OH! But thankfully he had his head on straight...... he just wouldn't pass the line, and we ended up dating for two years (after being friends for one) and getting married and then passing that spiritual line.

I can't say much for my spiritual wholeness at that time, but it says a lot about his.

:)

~B

Confusion Abounds

Here is a "bumper-sticker" that I found on a friend's blog. She's obviously not married, or she wouldn't have had this "sticker" posted. She was explaining about her feelings about a male friend that she has, a guy who, she spends loads of time with and feels very much a part of his life/friendship and longs for love.

Oh, the days of mine when I was wishing and dying for the man of my dreams to become the man of my reality..... It was such an awful time. I was so obssessed with this man, it wasn't even cute.

I recall driving down a gravel road, crying, none-the-less (and being overly dramatic in a real sense) and listening to: "Nothing Compares 2 u." by Sinead O'Connor (I'm showing my age). As I was crying, I was crying out to God to enable me and this man to finally become a couple. Just something more than being friends, but not just a sexual relationship.

When I look back, it was me that needed to know what was going on in the relationship. I was in love and in agony and I would have rather not have his friendship, than to not have his undying love for me..... or would I? He needed to make it clear to me what he wanted, because for me, it was too painful to not be together as a couple. Hint to men: Let the woman you are close friends with know without a doubt right away if they ask if you are interested in being friends or a couple, it will save you a lot of trouble and irritating hints from the woman.

My story ended with a real beginning: Eventually we did fall in real love, (because there was a friendship that was very deep). We are still together; happy and deeply in love. But he forced me to take it slow. Something that was completely agonizing for me when it was happening, but something that I recall with gratefulness and wonder.

Again, hindsight is 20/20, right? I can see why he had me wait.... he didnt' want to lose what friendship we did have and he had just become a Christian and he didn't want to jeopardize the new life that he was trying to live with sexual temptation, etc.

Just thoughts, my friend, just random thoughts.

Take it real slow.

Enjoy the friendship and treasure these simple days.

If and when the two of you get closer, it will take a lot more gumption to keep the lines from being blurred. Stay on this side of safety until the two of you are ready for a lifetime commitment.

Just my thoughts friend,

B :)

You leave again this weekend, and not for very long, but I'm not looking forward to being alone from you again. I am eagerly seeking to be a good wife; a spouse that happily opens their arms and lets their love fly freely to the destinations that they are needing to go to, but this time I am not ready.

We are just in a period of our relationship, where it happens that while you are coming from "Point A" and going to "Point B", I happen to try and stand in front of you quickly, trying to catch a kiss, but it usually feels like a miss. I miss the kiss because it went by my lips too fast to catch.

I know that I busy a lot too. I am not innocent in this all. But I want to slow down, to take deep breaths with you, to hold your hand (not just when we are sleeping), to stroll along this quickly passing highway. I want you.

I have taken so for granted the times that we used to spend together: just laughing, playing, just laying next to each other smiling. Those are the things in life that are free.....but oh so expensive! How does one recapture that heart, that patience of love, when life is buzzing by ones ears?

I am happy to let you have freedom, but oh, how much I need my own freedom: in your arms.

~B

Living Large

Living Large

by Maeve Binchy

(from Goodhousekeeping Magazine May '07 issue)

I am not a member of Fat Liberation, nor do I think that obesity is healthy. But I do believe that in many ways my life has been a more charmed and happy one because I was always large.

For one thing, my parents thought I was drop-dead gorgeous. I grew up thinking it was wonderful to be big and strong and to be able to knock down other children in the playground if I needed to. But I never felt the need.
Then, in my teens, I discovered it was not all right to be a big girl. At school, I was always the last to be picked for any kind of sports team. Once, I unwisely asked a teacher what "jowls" were. "Big chubby cheeks like what you have," she said, not unkindly. But the name stuck: For a whole year, I was called Jowls Binchy.

At my first dance, nobody danced with me--nobody at all. But I didn't want to disappoint my parents, so I said it was a great night. My mother knew. She said, "One day you'll realize what's important, Maeve. It will be a wonderful day." It was a while arriving, that day.

I would console myself with the view expressed by one of the nuns who taught us. She said, "Whom the Lord loveth He also persecuteth." I decided the Lord must love me hugely.

Once I went to university, things started to change. I discovered that men were just like everyone else, really. They liked you if you were good-tempered and easy to talk to. And being a big girl meant other females trusted you more, and confided in you. I realized that you didn't have to make self-deprecating remarks or turn yourself into the butt of some unspoken joke. I also discovered that being big didn't deter possible suitors.

When I was just over 30 and working as a journalist, I met a man so good I feared there might be some Great Obstacle somewhere, like he might already be married or have some awful problem that I would only discover later. I hardly dared to hope we would see each other again and was delighted when we became friends.
One day he invited me to go to lunch in France, which was very romantic, and he told me that he thought I was the one for him. I let my glass of wine fall on the floor, I was so shocked. My confidence left me for a moment, and I regressed back to those tortured teenage years.

"But aren't I a bit...well...a bit chubby to be The One?" I asked.

He looked at me bewildered. And soon I became bewildered myself. What had that got to do with anything when you loved someone? I might never have had this great understanding, and 30 years of a very happy marriage, had I been a petite little girl. I would have had cheekbones, of course, which would have been nice, but I prefer the sense of ease and comfort that has made a happy life happier still.

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I needed this.
Hat tip to "Goodhousekeeping" Magazine (May '07 issue) for this article.

~B