Anxiety

There's a stranger in my life.
He hasn't been around in a LONG time.
His name is: Anxiety.

I have been avoiding blogging because of this stranger.
I don't want to put my "thousands" of readers into the grasp of my anxiety--it all sounds like whining when I write it down on this blog.

But I'm breaking my silence-if just for a moment.

I just need to.

The storm cloud is still overhead, except it's just......darker.

A conflict with some people has made things terribly darker for this woman.
This conflict added to what was already a bad.....time.

I sit around and ask God: "What do I need to do to make this better?"
And the answer is always: "Nothing."

It's the nothing that's the hardest for me.
I want to jump right in and get in the heated argument so that we can get to the heart of the conflict.

I want to jump into that garden and pull that dang weed out.

But that's how I used to be.
Now I am trying a different way.
The back pains I suffer from waiting may kill me, but at least I'm trying to submit.

I stress trying.

As I type, my hands are icy cold.
That's how I get when I 'm struggling with anxiety.
It's a wonder to think how I even type, they are so freezing cold.

My heart leaps into my throat every time I think about what we're dealing with and all I can do is.......wait.

~B

He Can See Something Else

Like Samwise, I am here for you.

We will make it up this daunting mountain.

We will help each other as we climb.

Your hurt is more than mine, yet I love you and so, a lot of the time,

I think I almost hurt as strongly as you.

I see your tears.

I see your writhing in emotional pain and I hurt.

We will make it--it doesn't seem like it will be a "fun" ride, but we will make it.

"From this one moment I can't see very far, From this one moment I'm square in the dark, These are the things I will trust in my heart: You can see something else." ~S. Groves

He sees something else.

He sees the intricately woven tapestry.

It's beautiful, yet ferociously created.

Life is so heavy and painful right now for you, and for me--it's going to be a beautiful creation when it's over and we can look back on it.

Because He is in control.

I promise.

~B

Identity

To Whom it May Concern:

A boundary has been crossed, I think hope you realize that.

Give him space to breathe.

Don't muck up his name-it will just roll off because the people that really know him, REALLY know him-and his heart is GOOD.

And what you say about him doesn't matter to him, he finds his WHOLE identity in Christ.

Not in you.

Not in me.

It's between him and God now. It's not between anyone else.

~B

Storm Clouds

There are storm clouds in our life right now.

I am trusting that the Lord is having them there for a reason.
I am not going to believe that evil is in control.
I am going to believe that this is happening so that
we can all grow closer to what He wants.

The "birth" process is incredibly painful.

But it brings blessings in the end.

~B

Circles

There's a cycle that my husband and I have noticed in our relationship.....
It's in the shape of a circle.

---------------------

You start at the top-
You are new to each-other,
In love with each-other,
Happy to see one another.
Passionate.
Loving.
Under a spell, if you will.

Then you hit a patch,
it gets bumpy.
It's hard to communicate.
It's hard to want to be loving/respectful to one another.
It's hard to understand each-other.
The passion fades.
Feelings are hurt.
You start to like each-other less.
Time spent apart.
Communication gap.

Tears.
Tears.
Anger.
Tears.

It's normal.
It's where we have to put our hearts
into God's hands completely.
We reach out to Him.
We cling onto Him.

We don't let go of Him.
We try to encourage one another, while grasping for the Life-Vest
that will save our marriage
once again.

And soon,
if we hang on long enough.
The passion will come back.
The pain will subside.
The anger will be dealt with.
The communication is slow, but at least it starts.
Trying to fall back under
that spell
called
a
Good
Marriage.

~B

Like I've said before:
Good Marriage=Hard work.

Home-Edukatin'

I just don't know how to do it all , Lord.

Home-schooling gets set to the side when life gets in the way.

We did meals on wheels on Monday and then paper-route.

We did babysitting for a womens group on Tuesday; piano lessons and then a band boosters fundraiser.

Now today is here and I have to work. I just don't know how to keep up right now.

One lesson has been done this week--nothing else--but my kids learned how to smile and talk to the elderly, earn money, work hard, take care of small children, play an instrument, and help serve food to others, do laundry, wash dishes, and draw self-portraits...all in two days.

So, what looks like an incredible education to me, might look like no education to anyone else.

Sometimes, this is just how our life is--it's educational--but not educational.

Help me figure this all out, Lord. I don't know how to balance it all.

Once in a while we just have one of those weeks.....

~B

I Hate Stupid.

I was supposed to do a "Meals on Wheels" thing today for the elderly.

I wrote down 11:50am instead of 10:50am...... I was there an hour late.....

and the friend who asked me to do this was there packing up the stuff to take to the people.....

I hate it when things like this happen.

I hate it.

~B

Divorce

Divorce packs a painful punch, I know this, and I'm not even from a family that has parents that are divorced.....

It's a cycle that's hard to break.

It teaches that when a spouse doesn't match up to what we want from them, that we just leave.

It teaches non-commitment.

It teaches that love is conditional.

It makes the children on edge: Will Mommy still love me if I don't match up to what she wants from me?

It teaches children to think that it's their fault.

Grow up, peoples. Divorce isn't the answer.

No wonder God hates it.

Hate is a pretty strong word from the creator of the Universe.

~B

What is Going On?

When my children were very, very young (4,2,2 and newborn) a relative had told us that they were having family over, but that we weren't invited because there were now 6 of us and could we possibly come after dinner because it was just too many people to feed.

I was astounded and hurt and dumb-founded... I told that person that they have to remember that we are FAMILY and that they had no right to tell us that because we were now six people that we took up too much food/too much space (and how much do a 4 year old, two 2 year olds and a NEWBORN eat anyway--last time I checked--not very much.....). I told them that we are family and that they should be happy that we are part of their family--and a bunch of other stuff that probably never stuck to their heads. Oh well--it's all in the past.

So, today, a friendly family member asked if they would see us over Christmas, and I said- Yes, of course we will see each other because we will be there on the 25th--then sad confusion from the other person saying that they are celebrating Christmas with the family on the 28th and not the 25th..... I told them that they just must not have told us yet....

But now, I got an e-mail from the family that is having everyone over--and they said that they realized that this friendly family member accidentally let us know about the "other" Christmas get-together and how welcome we are to come, and how of course they want us over and how they just figured that my husband had to work anyway....which he never does because he takes a week of vacation that week (and he has been doing that for YEARS--and if they would think about it they would soon realize that they know that.....).

So, anyway--I guess I shouldn't be surprised--we are SIX people, you know--and we eat A LOT of food--I guess.......

But, now I have this issue of dealing with the frustration and anger about it all and I came here to blog, but scared to blog at the same time because the friendly family member is the only one in our families allowed to read it, and I don't want them to feel bad, and I don't want any others of the family to know how I'm feeling......

The thing that really BITES is that my Hubby has a sibling and I absolutely DO NOT think that they would have excluded HIM and his family (this isn't his siblings fault.... it's just that they have two less kids??? Or maybe they eat less, or they're more sociable, etc????)

Oh well. I absolutely can't be surprised- we go through junk to shape and mold our hearts and the Lord must need me to learn who I am and how I need to respond. I would really like to respond in a very hurtful and mean way--but the harness of the Lord is on my neck, at least for the moment{if I don't decide to suddenly and furiously rip it off).

Satan would like nothing more than for this to become a hurtful and bitter battle and all I can do is sit in my Father's lap and hurt while He holds me and helps me sort it all out.

{{Hug}} to the friendly family member--this post is just between us, okay?

~B

Again, Please Pray.

Here is a picture from over a year ago of the Arnold family. Deron, in the yellow, passed away on the 8th of November; now today-the 27th-Sharon passed away.

In the middle of the picture is the woman that we need to pray for--the only one left in her family: her name is Dawn. In one month, she has lost her only brother and her only mother. Her father died over ten years ago.

Please pray for comfort for her and her child and her husband.

Also please pray for comfort for Deron's widow, Jan.




~B

Where is It that I Need to Be?

I'm tired and down this morning.

I haven't been sleeping good.

I wake up and lay there wondering how my Lord wants to use me with my church-it's very mind-consuming.

I want to make a difference.

I want to make a difference for Christ.

I have felt the nudge to do many things for my church, but it seems like hardly anyone else gets on board and I am feeling very low about that (amongst other things) right now.

I want to reach people for Christ.

I want to be in a body of people that truly want to "give chase to souls" for eternity.

I am feeling lost.

We had a a children's ministry for little ones.

That was seven years ago.

They all grew and we changed the ministry to include other ages.

And the kids got rowdy, and we tried to do that for a few years and we moved to a gym.

The gym was a good plan, but the kids were rowdier than my spouse and I could handle.

So, this summer, after A LOT of discussion, we decided to not do it anymore.

It was a BIG decision.

But, the Lord brought someone else in to work with these kids and it's still going and I am so happy about that. I just hope that it continues next year.

Last night we had a get-together at our church for these kids. We had them put together "Operation Christmas Child" boxes and seeing the children, hurt.

One part of me was SO glad to not be the one yelling at them, but the other part of me wanted to cry, because we put so much time and energy into that ministry and those relationships, and now it's done.

I have been in a transitionary(sp) period the past few months, praying and thinking, and praying and thinking, about how and where God wants to use me within HIS church.

And I don't know what to do, or where to go or who to turn to.

I want to start things, I want to fire up my church. But if I'm the only one doing the enthusiasm, is that where I am supposed to be?

Please show me, Lord where you want me and what you want me to be doing.

This limbo stuff confuses me and I don't feel useful.

~B

Beauty is in the Hips?

I had a close male friend over on Sunday.

He jokingly/half jokingly went on a "personals" website and we were sitting around laughing at the women we could set him up with. Me with my high standards for him. Him just wanting to find a loving woman.

We got to talking and I mentioned one woman that we both recently met and I said how beautiful she is and I asked him if he thought she was pretty too-- he said, "She's pretty, but her butt is big."

I was embarrassed by his answer. I didn't know how to joke back about it.

We proceeded acting like two stupid little teenagers playing around on the net (don't worry, I have HIGH standards so NOTHING r-rated went on).

As he looked at the pictures of different gals, he would say something here and there, and the thing he said about the woman's rump stuck in my heart.

I talked to him somewhat jokingly, trying to get him to understand his "faux pas".

I asked him this: "What if you were to meet an average looking girl that had an average looking body and she was the most amazing wife in the world?" He asked me to introduce her to him, but until them he was only going to look at the "attractive" ones.

And so, my ever philosophical heart cried.

So many, many women are like ME--average. I am no stunner and I am overweight.

Looks are SO not where it's at. But my heart heard the message that my dear friend was saying and it stung.

Even though I am very happily married, it hurt me. I pictured all of these average looking women not getting ANY chance by so many men, and then we wonder why so many men remain single. I pictured a single me and hurt to think that someone would pass me by just because "my butt is big".

I shouldn't be getting after men so much, I know that there are just as many women out there not giving the average looking man a chance either.... but how stupid. Do you people think that looks stay around?

Looks fade. Hearts don't.

When I am ninety, no one-- NO ONE will be "checking me out".

And that goes for the MOST attractive person in the world too.

Looks fade. Hearts don't.

~B

The Blessed Struggle

It's so hard to be fighting with a spouse when you are this far away from them.

It's so hard to be fighting with a spouse--period

It's SO hard.

We talked today about how we were fighting a lot and how we normally don't fight.

We spoke of how easy it would be, if we weren't married, just to break up.

We get lost in the hardness of life and we forget how wonderful it is when it is good (and it is SO good when it is good and it's good most of the time).

I see people getting divorces everywhere. They leave each other, they wipe their hands clean and they are done--or so they think.

They think that by leaving that one person, that they won't have struggles like that with the other person that they meet.

Do they think that they won't have hardships and struggles?

They will--guaranteed.

And then will they give up on that marriage?

It's a vicious cycle, people--don't give up on your spouse.

Don't give up on the sanctity of marriage.

It's God's plan--don't give up on it.

"And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him--And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2: 18, 23, 24

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Ephesians 5:21, 22

" Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it..." Ephesians 5: 25

"Why has the Lord abandoned us?" I'll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made to each other on your wedding day when you were young. But you have been disloyal to her though she remained your faithful companion, the wife of your marriage vows. Didn't the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard yourself; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. "For I hate divorce!" says the Lord, the God of Israel. "It is as cruel as putting on a victim's bloodstained coat," says the Lord Almighty. "So guard yourself; always remain loyal to your wife."

I think it's pretty clear what God is trying to tell us--every one of us.

~B

The Trouble with Minds.

Over a summer when I was 9/10 years old I had few friends. I lived in the country and playing with friends was few and far between. My brother and sister were much older than me and so they had moved out by the time I was 5 and I was basically an "only child".

During this particular time, a new family moved into the area that I lived and when I was able to, I would go and play at their house.

My Mom got to know the mom and she was a very nice and gentle lady. The Dad worked full-time and so he wasn't around a whole lot. A very nice family indeed.

As I got to know this girl, I figured out soon that she was the one who would control the relationship. She would get frustrated with me if I didn't play the games that she wanted to play and she would often insult me. Me, being who I was at that time, just complied--I didn't know what else to do.

The relationship changed. She began having me do things that I really didn't want to do, but being the child that I was, I thought that I had to listen to whatever requests she made because I didn't want to make her upset.

There were secret trips to her neighbors house while they were gone; she opened the garage door (because she fed the guinea pigs while they were gone) and she took me into a back room and showed me the neighbors neatly packaged rock collection. Pressed into styrofoam and nicely labeled, the rocks were stunning. She told me that we had to steal them--I protested, she put up a fuss and I helped her. I remember my heart racing, full of fear and dread because this wasn't fun to me.

Another time, she "made" me go across a pole that ran through the middle of their barn. I was afraid of heights, she pushed and called me names--I walked across crying. She taunted me and teased me as I went. I don't remember feeling anything--just immense sadness that I was doing something so wrong that she kept on doing these things to me (I think I felt that I must have deserved it).

I don't know how many things that she did to me, but I know that the control got worse and worse.

I also don't recall the time-line that happened with this relationship and so I don't know where my head was when she made her worst request--to molest me.

I remember that in the beginning I was happy to have her for a friend. I remember that she was fun. I remember that we were playing with some baking thing and she made a request. I ran to the phone to call my mom-- I was scared and bewildered. Then she said the thing that my heart couldn't take: "You won't have any friends--I won't be your friend." She knew where my weak spot was.

I look back and I cringe. Why did I go back to her? Was I so concerned with having a "friend" that I put myself on the chopping block willingly?


I see bits and pieces of what she did to me, I can't recall big chunks of it. I don't know if it happened more than once. All I know is that I was frightened and scared and too afraid to tell anyone.

I changed a lot that summer. I gained a lot of weight. I became a lot more insecure, a lot less silly. I had something ripped away from me, and I didn't even know what.

The time finally came and I don't know how long it was, where my mother was wanting me to go over there again. She reminded me what a nice family they were and how I had always wanted a friend and here I had one and I didn't want to go there anymore......

I don't remember what I said, but I remember sitting on the couch and leaning on my much older sister and feeling safe. I whispered to her something and I never again had to go there to that girls house.

The story goes that my sister walked up to my mom and told her, "B shouldn't go to that girl's house anymore." I never did again.

Thank God for a sister's help.

So, today, the reason that I share this is that 1) I'm going to counseling and it seems to be helping me deal with this sort of stuff and 2) I had an "aha" moment today.

My "Aha" moment came to me today while I was doing something around the house. I was worrying about making a friend upset because I had my own personal opinion {they didn't share the same thoughts with me}. I felt myself shaking and feeling scared. I was worrying about losing the friendship because I held a different view than that of my friend.

I wanted to recant my opinion just to appease that friend--even though they were not asking me to recant.

I wanted to agree with them just because I didn't want to lose them.

Sound repetitive?..... it's the same lie that I have been telling myself all these years.

Aha. {deep breath}

I am still learning. Still learning that I do not have to agree with people just so that they love me.

I can run to the phone and "call my mom" if I want to.

I don't have to have people's permission to be me.

I can be who God created me to be without anyone's permission. I don't have to make anyone happy (except God, but he's not just anyone), if I don't want to.

Hard concept, but I'm glad I reached this benchmark--finally.

~B

My Prayer

Oh Father,

Please don't be too rough with my brother. Treat him in a manner in which he'll go closer to You, but please don't crush him to death.

His wife, um, ex-wife, wants more than he has and he will be left with possibly nothing. He will have no material things left, no home, nothing. He will have to piece his life all back together because she doesn't see fit living with him until the children move out on their own.

Oh Father, life seems so cruel right now. He's sad, and I'm sad. I am hurting for my brother. He's such a good father, he has taken such good care of his children. Please don't crush him, with nothing left to live with.

Help him to reach out to YOU. Help him not leave you behind. Help him not become an angry, bitter and resentful older man. Help him to find love, Lord. Give him someone that can love him, he used to have such a huge heart. Help him please--his heart has gotten so much scarring on it from the past, help him to find YOU.

Help him see that You are still right there with him--amongst all this pain and confusion.

Help him see that we are here for him too, and help him to receive our love.

Oh Father, I have no words, I just ask you that you don't crush him. Please help him get through this very, very dark time.

~B

Divorce

My brother's wife served him divorce papers last night.

She has the kids in another town in her new apartment.

The custody hearing is on Monday, for her to get temporary custody until the divorce is final.

The weren't getting along for years, but I never thought that she would pull this with the kids.

The odd thing is, is that it's my brother that spends all of his time with the children.

Everywhere he is, when he's not at work, is spent with his children.

Just the past two weeks he drove his son to hockey practice EVERYDAY in a town an hour away from his work.

He is the one who makes the dentist appointments.

He is the one who takes them to get their family pictures taken.

He is the one who does almost everything for them.

Almost EVERYTHING.

And now she wants temporary custody of them? She suddenly wants to be in their lives all the time?

His kids are with him ALL OF THE TIME.

My heart is broken for my brother--broken.

Now remind me WHY there is any good in divorce?

~B

Counselor

Today, for the first time, I went in and met with a "Christian Counselor", or "Specialized Therapist". I don't know what her title is, but she specializes in whatever my issues are. :)

{I suppose I should feel like hiding this fact, but I don't really the need to.}

It was strange, and it was strange that I was perfectly comfortable telling this perfect stranger my very personal struggles..... I kept on having out of body experiences: sharing with her and then jolting at the thought that this person didn't know me and that I was paying her a lot of money to just sit and listen to me.

I was paying for her to sit and listen to me....... hmmm......?

She asked me questions about this and that, she seemed really interested {of course...}.

My mind kept on saying: "You are talking to someone that you are paying, not a friend...." It was an awkward okay-ness (?) to share with her, sort of a disconnection, like sharing details of my life so that she could write a book on me, etc.

I was curious about how she would handle it once my "time was done", I glanced at the clock and saw that an hour had passed, she waited a few minutes and then stood up gracefully and then I stood up, knowing full well that it was my time to get out of there. I had only paid for this certain amount of time, I guess. ;-)

I meet with her again next week, {if all goes as planned} except my spouse will be with me. I wonder what my mind will be saying then, and what will his mind be saying!?!?!

~B

Too Much, Too Soon

A teenage girl that I love and have "counseled" for the past few years is pregnant.

I spent Friday between tears and anger.

I spent Saturday between calmness and praying.

I called her and her Grandma yesterday and invited them over for supper this week.

I don't know what to say, but I just need to talk to them.

And help them.

And cry with them.

And ask her the question: "Remember all the talks we had about your Christian witness being lost if you would choose this path of life?"

Oh sweetie, if you could just imagine what a hard, hard lesson you are learning. Children don't make you automatically an adult.

Who will help you when it is screaming because of bubbles in the tummy?
Who will talk you out of screaming at the child when they have frustrated you beyond belief?
Who will help you financially when you aren't able to pay the bills?
Who will hold that little one when it needs comforting and you would rather go on Facebook and watch movies and make out with your boyfriend?

Parenting is so much more than just having a baby--it's so much more than having a "pink baby bag" and "matching stroller". It's so much more than tv shows on parenting and baby websites.

So much more.

It's about raising a HUMAN to become ALL that they can become.

It's about raising a soul to know and trust Christ.

It's all about eternity and nothing to do with the now.

Oh, sweetie... make sure you know that you want to be the BEST parent before you choose to be the parent of this child.

There are lots of other parents out there that would be more than happy to have it and raise it in a good home.

Believe me, there are.

~B

The Power of a Parent

I need to start off this post with a disclaimer, just to let everyone know how very, very much I love my parents. I adore them, I love them and would give my life for them in an instant, but right now, I feel like that little 8 year old girl that constantly gets on my father's nerves.

I feel like hiding and crying and not seeing him for a little while.

How can I be 36 years old and still feel this way right now? How can a time warp happen so suddenly in a matter of a few minutes?

And why is it that I am sitting here crying about it when I should just handle it like an adult and blow it off?

I went there to do some work stuff.... I now have a very small, one day a week job and I have to use their phone line to "transmit" information from this job (we have only cell phones--no land lines in this house).

So, I guess I went there at the wrong time. I got on his nerves and he let me know it. Over and over again.

I was trying to be invisible like I used to do. But their phone line is in the kitchen and they were eating supper......

I'll spare the details, it's just average every day stuff that no one really wants to hear about, but I needed to vent.

The bad part is.... I have to go back in a little while and make sure the transmitting thing worked....

~B

Until We Meet Again

Yesterday evening, as I sat down to check my e-mails, I saw that I had received one that was from my home-school group that said: "Prayer Needed". I opened it and read with horror:

"Please pray for the ----- Family, Their daughter -----, died yesterday in a car accident. She was doing mission work in Africa."

This family lost their 19 year old daughter to a car accident in Africa..... They had just gone to visit her a few weeks ago--a time that I am sure they will forever cherish.

This family had adopted four children from Guatemala a year or so ago--at this daughter's urging.

This family has five other biological children--now four.

How does this family wake up today and cope with the reality that their beautiful, Christ-loving daughter is gone.

Last summer, near the end of it, this girl and her friend came to our house and my husband helped them load in onto the back of their pick-up. It was for her family--the family that doesn't have her anymore now.

This girl, who was passionately dedicated to Christ, lived her live in Africa for the past few months, teaching others about salvation and freedom in Christ. She was to come home in May or June.

This girl is now at the feet of Jesus. She is in His presence.

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all.

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You."

This family's faith will get them through. The prayers from their friends and family will be incense to God and he will hear our desperate cries of help for them.

This family will make it. They will. They have to.

Only through Christ who strengthens me.

The focus has to be on Christ, how else will they make it?

~B