Like a Skin

Like a Skin by Sara Groves

"The butterfly can just look back
flap those wings and say "Oh, yeah,
I never have to be a worm again."
The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where he's been and moves on.

I am longing for something tangible.
Some kind of proof that there's been a change in me.
Feels like I have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff.
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt.

Come on, New Man, where've you been?
Help me wriggle from this self I'm in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground."

I have risen the past two mornings with this very meaningful song in my head, and it is nearly impossible to stop thinking about how much it means to me. It is as if the song-writer down-loaded these lyrics directly off of my brain and put it to song.

I have been down the past two weeks, just off-kilter, not feeling normal and hardly any mental or physical energy. I exist and I talk and think and at times, laugh, but deep within me, I am very, very low.

And, to tell you the truth, the times when I come to post on this secret little blog are usually the times when I am at my lowest.

What is it that I long for? What is it that I am hoping to achieve by sitting here typing this little post? Who knows? :)

I want to be who I know I am needing to be.

I beg God to allow me to become what he wants me to become.... but I am impatient. I want instant results, I don't want to wait. I want to be an incredible soldier for Christ, but I feel I come up so short every time.

I want to be Corrie Ten Boom with her incredible faith and steadfast love and forgiveness. I want to be Chip Ingram,-- well spoken and strong, telling others about Christ in such a way that people find it hard to argue. I want to be Ravi Zecharias, opening my mouth and have apologetics fall out--so wise--so amazing. Darlene Diebler Rose, Michael Pearl, C.S.Lewis, Chuck Swindoll, Elizabeth Elliot, James Dobson, ... all of these people--so wise, so immensely able to tell about how Christ wants us to live.

They are not perfect, but they are so wise.

Do they struggle like me? Is God helping me metamorphasize into something new? Do I have any impact with my broken self? It would seem to me, that it's just not possible.

When I pray, I often picture myself on a battle-field. I am worn and mortally wounded, I am about to take my last breath and I cry out to Christ. He comes and stands over me and holds up his sword and protects me from this:
That is a picture of my own sins, my own struggles that seem to nail me to the ground. The picture is vivid and I remain alive and untouched with my Christ standing over me. Christ and I communicate, and He understands and helps.

Although He is standing over me, I still have days like this (or weeks), where all I can do is lay here on this battle-field and wait while the war for my soul continues. I will be fine, with Him standing over me, but my human-ness struggles so much.

"I am longing for something tangible.
Some kind of proof that there's been a change in me.

Feels like I have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff.

Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt.

Come on, New Man, where've you been?
Help me wriggle from this self I'm in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground."

~B