Foggy

Lost.
In a fog.
Confused.
What is my life consisting of right now?

I want to talk.
I want to be free.
I don't want to feel this sadness right now.

Help me to be
what I need to be.
What You require of me.

Be with the others.
Help them with their struggles.
Help me to help them.

A vast nothingness right now.
All I see is computer screens
and nothing.

~B

Another Pointless "Missing My Hubby" Post

When you are gone, there's really a big time slot to fill at night--
and I don't like it much.

I get bored.

Here's a picture of your lonely pillow.

Later on, Puzzle, decided that he would lay on it to keep me company.

And then, of course, there's ridiculous Lucy.
She's just so---strange....

Only 9 more days to go.....

You are a very good boredom buster.

~B

A Dawn

Tears flowing.
Eyes hurting.
Nose plugged up.

Wailing inside, and them on the outside.
Coming to the realization of something I had never thought of before.

I want to be loved.
I want to be missed.
I want a love from others that I have only found in my spouse.

I want friends that want to be more than just acquaintances.
People that want to be intricately woven into our lives.
People that would give their lives for us (and us for theirs).
I want relationships that are deeply meaningful and relationships that last.

I strive to meet these people that are a lot like us.
People that won't get bored at our "normal-ness" and puzzled by our "eccentricities".

People that are just like me and him, that just want simple things in life.

Not money.
Not mansions.
Just normal.

---------

(I think they all moved to Oregon......)

;)
~B

Just an Overwhelming Loneliness

I am so sad today. I am so lonely today.
It's summer outside and the world is screaming for me to do something, but yet I sit here, being alone and just having an overwhelming sadness around me.

I have friends, but no friends like the one I recently lost (she moved). Talking on the phone with her is nice, but it's just not the same as when we used to get together.

Now I feel like I took a hundred steps backwards in the friendship realm. No one to talk to and not one person to confide in about how alone I am feeling.

On another note, my husband and I have been working fervently on a marriage issue that keeps popping up. We went and talked to some "counselors" ~~GASP! and they really set us up on a good track. They gave us "assignments" to work on and suggested books to read.

So, we read the book, we did the assignments, life was really good....when we were working really hard. Now life seems to have gone back to where it was: I feel alone and misunderstood, he feels.... I dont know what he feels right now?

His work schedule has picked up, that's fine with me, but there's so much more to life than earning big bucks. Can't there be a happy medium when one works hard, where they keep a small part of their heart to share with the rest of the family?

I know he's working hard. I know that his heart is just trying to balance out life with the new work schedule. But it's such a lonely adjustment for me.

I don't know if he gets lonely in these situations.

I know that I can't depend on others to completely fill me. I need to go to God to be completely filled. But in my human capacity, I constantly am thinking that humans are the "need-filler" that I want.

What would make me happy right now? And whoever said that I needed to be happy at all times? No one is promised that, that's for sure!

So, anyway, this is probably something that belongs in my diary, but I decided to write it here instead.

~B

Waiting....

I have a dear, dear friend here in town, and we have gotten closer and closer as time has passed.

Tomorrow they are moving.

I am really sad about it.

I have finally found a friend that loves me for who I am and for what I stand for.

I have finally found a friend who is real.

If she doesn't agree with something I say, she lets me know.

And I can do the same to her, cool, huh?

If I am sad, I call her for a listening ear; she does the same to me.

I don't want to let her go......

I don't want her to go.

But I have to let her go.

I want to enjoy this life and I want to enjoy it with her.

I have friends, but hardly any that I can truly be myself with.

She showed me that life is too dull not to have a true friend!

I am a very reserved person in some cases and with this person, I just can be me.

I don't have to go to bed at night worrying what she thought of me.

A while ago I read a "forward", those irritating things that we get in our e-mails that tell us if we "don't forward it now, you'll be sent to purgatory." (you get the point), and in that forward it talked about different kinds of friends. A true friend, an acquaintance friend, an "I say hi to you at the coffee" shop sort of friend and then one of the last categories is the "God-needed-you-to- be-in-my-life-at-this-very-specific-time-
but-now-you-have-to-go-Friend".

Aren't those the kinds of friends that are always the ones that you wish you could keep forever?

I will miss you, my friend, you have absolutely NO idea how much I needed you in my life.

I thank God for you!

I will miss you just stopping over to talk.

I will miss the openess with which we shared our hearts with each-other.

You have taught me to laugh hysterically at life and you have allowed me to share in some of your pain.

I so appreciate you.

May our arms be able to hug one another again.

And soon.

Exodus 3:8 "So I have come to rescue them from the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own good and spacious land. It is a land flowing with milk and honey......."

~B

You leave again this weekend, and not for very long, but I'm not looking forward to being alone from you again. I am eagerly seeking to be a good wife; a spouse that happily opens their arms and lets their love fly freely to the destinations that they are needing to go to, but this time I am not ready.

We are just in a period of our relationship, where it happens that while you are coming from "Point A" and going to "Point B", I happen to try and stand in front of you quickly, trying to catch a kiss, but it usually feels like a miss. I miss the kiss because it went by my lips too fast to catch.

I know that I busy a lot too. I am not innocent in this all. But I want to slow down, to take deep breaths with you, to hold your hand (not just when we are sleeping), to stroll along this quickly passing highway. I want you.

I have taken so for granted the times that we used to spend together: just laughing, playing, just laying next to each other smiling. Those are the things in life that are free.....but oh so expensive! How does one recapture that heart, that patience of love, when life is buzzing by ones ears?

I am happy to let you have freedom, but oh, how much I need my own freedom: in your arms.

~B

Loneliness

A friend posted, "Playing Marco Polo By Myself".

It speaks of loneliness and feeling uncared for and unwanted.

I think in everyone's life, there are moments, periods where we all feel this way. We feel like no one really cares, no one really notices. No one is there.

I have felt the same as her very often. What difference do I really make? When I speak to someone does it really matter? Why does it feel like no one is really listening?

On the "To Nineveh" blog, she writes: "Lonely is hearing a friend ask how you're doing...and then hearing the "multitasking pause" between your comment and their response."

I have felt that same way. I just have never heard of it in written form, so eloquently told.

I believe that we are all too busy. Too busy for stopping and really asking a friend how they are. Too busy to think that someone else would care enough to really hear of how you're feeling. Life is just too, too busy.

There are computers, tv's, cell phones, i-pods and so much more to distract us from really caring about one another. The care is probably there, just, well, we're too busy.

We need to start a movement. "Slow down to care."

When you notice that your friend needs to talk, or needs to just sit with you and feel loved without any words, take that time to do that.

I am of the mind set that I would love to sit and listen to my friends tell me how they are struggling and to just let them sit and talk, or be quiet. BUT, I also don't feel like anyone would want to listen to me talking about something that I struggle with. Why is that?

One thing that I know for sure though is, that until we meet Him, there will always be a deep longing and loneliness in our hearts. We can help one another, we can hold each other's hands and help each other through these dark times of abandonment and just let the other know that we sometimes feel the same way too and that they are loved.

So very loved.

~B
[Your name here], you are loved, don't forget it.