Feeling the Empty Nest

For the past 11 years, I have been a mother.
I have wiped bottoms, noses and highchairs endlessly.
I have hugged, disciplined and laughed too many times to count.
I have had amazing days where I didn't want it to end and
I have had days, that I wished would have never started.

Yesterday, I felt it all starting to slowly, painfully slip away.

See, my children are no longer:

• newborns
• toddlers
• Kindergarteners

They are now on that part of life where, little by little, they are gaining their independence from me. This is how it's supposed to be. Where I work myself, ever so slowly, out of a job.

But yesterday hurt.
All four children were off somewhere.
Somewhere playing with their friends.
Somewhere playing at the pool.
Somewhere dreaming about their futures.

And I was washing dishes wondering who I will be when they are gone, out of this house and onto their lives.

Who will I be?

I know that if you aren't a stay at home mom, you won't understand. You have your careers, you have your friends, you have all that surrounding you. I have these four souls surrounding me. What will I be without them?

In 12 short years, all of my children will be 18 and above. I have lived in this house almost 12 years. All four of the children were welcomed into this very home the day they came back from the hospital. All of my important and major memories are here:

• Bringing home my first-born son, me and my husband being amazed at what a tiny little creature we helped bring into this world.
  
• Wanting more children, getting pregnant with twins. Having a difficult time as they struggled through the NICU.
  
• Getting pregnant again, having to rush to the hospital because labor was going so fast. Having an incredible birth and the nurse telling us, "That's the most peaceful birth I have ever witnessed."

The diapers, the noses, the tears, the fights, the happinesses, the frustrations. The sleepless nights!

The growing. The growing. The growing.

They can all go to the pool without me now.

Maybe you don't see the significance in that:
They can all go to the pool without me now.

Just last year, my youngest wasn't able to go without me.

Where is my purpose going? Where is this all headed.

They're growing. This is good, right?

I am teaching them to be future adults. I am teaching them to be future mothers and fathers.

I am teaching them how to live and love.

I make so many mistakes. But God is good...... a friend always says that, and it strikes me as incredibly encouraging. God is good. He will take my mistakes and He will work through them.

But I am still right back at where I started. What will I be in 12 years?

I don't want to be a career-woman.

I want to be a mom.

I don't want to work in an office.

I want to be a mom.

What will I be, when the time comes for them to go?

A mom, but to what?

Four adults that don't really need me.....

Will I spend my days cleaning a house that's already clean enough? Will I stand by the sink and pretend to wash dishes? Will I wish that there were clothes to wash and fold?

What is there that God has planned for this little person in the world?

I want to be a mom.

My inner most desire is to be a mom.

I want nothing else.

Like an artist who knows nothing except to do his art, I want to be this mom.

~B