A Small Favor Returned

Today, I helped my mom with her new job that she got at a local store.

She has to stock these certain shelves with certain things and the system is very complicated--she had been perplexed by what she was supposed to do for some time now and the training with the job was non-existent--no training= extra confusion for an incredibly bright and wonderful older woman.

So, I went to the store and helped her, with a job that would have even overwhelmed me.

It was incredible to stay with her and help her figure out the maze that her employers had left for her to figure out all by herself--but we persisted together and we figured it all out and it took 2 1/2 hours, but we got it done.

I kept on smiling at her, remembering all the times that her and my dad helped me out when I was a teen.
~The time that I got a job delivering Valentine's Day flowers--yet didn't know where hardly ANY street names were in the town I grew up in. She took the afternoon off and helped me for HOURS.
~The time that I was working at a tiny university job and I was supposed to cut out articles from newpapers about the state that I live in--I was there for HOURS and this was before cell phones, I heard a small rap on the window and looked out and here at 2 am, was my dedicated father, checking up on his girl--and he helped me finish my job (Him and I decided I would quit soon after that).

There are too many other times to count and I am SO happy that today, I got to return ONE tiny little favor to these people that raised me so well.

Thank you, my dear parents.

~B

The Power of a Parent

I need to start off this post with a disclaimer, just to let everyone know how very, very much I love my parents. I adore them, I love them and would give my life for them in an instant, but right now, I feel like that little 8 year old girl that constantly gets on my father's nerves.

I feel like hiding and crying and not seeing him for a little while.

How can I be 36 years old and still feel this way right now? How can a time warp happen so suddenly in a matter of a few minutes?

And why is it that I am sitting here crying about it when I should just handle it like an adult and blow it off?

I went there to do some work stuff.... I now have a very small, one day a week job and I have to use their phone line to "transmit" information from this job (we have only cell phones--no land lines in this house).

So, I guess I went there at the wrong time. I got on his nerves and he let me know it. Over and over again.

I was trying to be invisible like I used to do. But their phone line is in the kitchen and they were eating supper......

I'll spare the details, it's just average every day stuff that no one really wants to hear about, but I needed to vent.

The bad part is.... I have to go back in a little while and make sure the transmitting thing worked....

~B

My Earthly Father

Since August 7th, my dear father has been in the hospital. He went in for a "routine" heart procedure and he came out with his life upside down.

The doctor put the stent in the wrong place...... he covered up my Dad's renal arteries(?) that supply his kidneys with blood...... you get the picture, right?

My Dad is critically ill now. He has been poked, prodded, cut. He has had catheters, heart monitors, x-rays and breathing treatments. He has had dialysis, a heart attack and memory loss. Needless to say: I. Am. Scared.

I have no doubt in my mind that my Heavenly Father knows what every purpose there is for everything. But as I watch my Earthly Father deteriorate into a mass of nothing, my heart breaks.

It feels like a ripping, a tearing, a searing of skin away from skin.

Watching a parent suffer, is agonizing. There are no words to describe this pain that I feel for my Dad and my Mom.

We cry a lot. My Dad just sits there and stares; tapping his fingers all the time. As if he is waiting for a train to come.

When will it arrive? Is it almost here?

I'm scared, Lord. I don't want to lose him.

But I don't want him to suffer forever and ever on this earth.

When will this stop? Will there be a day that My Earthly Father will stop hurting? When will it be that my Mom will stop hurting from watching her husband go from a fairly healthy 71 year old to a practically 91 year old in one month?

Life, there has to be a purpose? Otherwise, what is the purpose?

When will this trial end? How did Job make it? How will my parents make it? How will my family make it?

Oh Lord, please. Hear my heart. Hear our prayers. Heal this man. Heal him, either by healing his earthly body OR by taking him to be healed in Heaven with You~ but please, please don't let him just linger in this purgatory. Please.

Just as the first day I realized that he was seriously ill..... please let my prayer be the same: That Your name would be glorified. That You will be praised through all of this. Please don't let us get bitter. Please hang on to us Lord, please.

~B

You've Got a Friend

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND
James Taylor

When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand,
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud now
and soon I'll be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

Pray

My dad, who is 70 and had to have emergency knee surgery right before Christmas, fell and broke his ankle in two places yesterday. Please pray for him, he needs it right now.

~B

New House

My parents are moving to my town!

For the past year, my parents, who live about 30 minutes away from me, have desired to live in this town. It will be immensely closer to me and my four children and it will cut the travel time for my brother and sister to come and visit them into half of what it was before. So, needless to say, we are thrilled.

It's cool how it has worked out. Last year they had their sights set on a brick house that needed a lot of work. They went to the auction and their bid was left in the dust. My mom was pretty let down, but not so much that she couldn't just get on with life.

Fast forward to this year and they were going to put a bid on a house that was small, but they really want to live in this area. Again, their bid was passed.

I kept on encouraging them to look at this one house that was just around the corner from the house that they had just bid on. I recall the couple that lived there took immaculate care of the yard and so I figured that the inside must be well taken care of also. They checked it out and were amazed at how nice it was. Plus, from the outside, the house appears small, but when you go into it, it's SO much larger than it appears!

The house has nice wordwork and beautiful old-fashioned windows, I just love it. I am so looking forward to it!

They are going to put their other house up on auction and hopefully get a good price.

This is great. I can't wait for this to happen. It will be so nice to see them more often and maybe even go for walks with my Mom in the mornings and all that stuff that goes along with having a close friend in town!!

WooHoo!

~B

And Then Silence....

This morning, my mom and I decided that we would go to the nursing home to be with my Grandma before we went to do other things. We didn't really know what to plan for, but we just wanted to make sure to check in with her.
I was so sure that in the night she would have passed away. I dreamt that I saw my Dad talking to her doctor and the doctor was telling him how she had gone, when I woke up, she was still here.

When we got to the place where she was, the nurses filled us in on her blood pressure, her color, all that is important in telling one if death is close at hand. The hospice care nurse told us that her legs were getting discolored and that that was a sure sign of imminent death. She strongly encouraged us to get my extended family all together; that she could leave us soon or maybe in the evening, but that it was coming.

My mom , I and my children all sat around. I often held her hand, singing to her (something that she loved) and praying. A wonderful woman would come in and visit with us and pray over my Grandma and sing with us, it was so refreshing. So nice to be amongst another believer that felt perfectly comfortable sharing her faith and her prayers and her songs.

My Dad, my brother and my sister all came around the same time. We took turns letting Grandma know that we were there, each one of us doing our own thing. The kids played checkers and go fish, and they were really patient about it all. There were snacks to eat, and juice to drink. The kids would go for walks with family.

The day went pretty fast. The nurses would come in occassionally and check her blood pressure. They gently reminded us that the end would soon be near. It didn't seem possible that it would happen. I mean, I wanted her suffering to end, but it just didn't seem like it could really happen. it seemed like something that could only happen in a dream or on tv. It couldn't really happen to us, to me, to a family member of mine.

Around the 3 O' clock hour my sister and I and my mom were sitting by Grandma, with her labored breathing. She didn't seem to be responding to us much anymore, except for one time she blinked at us when I talked to her. But later she sort of sat up, shutting her gaping breathing mouth, and just looked a bit.... well, like she was going to die. My Dad and brother took the kids out of the room and went and watched tv for a while. The three of us just sat with Grandma.

At 4 O'clock I decided that since school hours were finished at the public school (I homeschool), that I would let my oldest watch the three girls at our house for a little while. When I got home, I just freshened up, ate something, encouraged the kids and went and picked up one of my son's friends so that he could play with him for the evening.

I got back to the nursing home about 4:45pm. My Grandma's color had changed and her breathing was quite a bit more shallow. I went and held her hand and sang to her. I noticed that her pupils were very large since I had come back, before I had left the pupils were very, very small. Both of her eyes were open and her breathing was very small. I held her hand, just intently watching her eyes. She didn't seem to be aware anymore. She didn't blink in recognition of things, she just wasn't there anymore.

My brother was watching her breathing and I saw what he was seeing too. It was becoming less, and less. Her hands were colder and colder. And then there was silence. No more of the gasping breath. Silence.

The nurse came in. Listened carefully to her heart and we just kneeled/sat/stood there taking in the moment. It was full of awe. Full of sadness. FULL of happiness. She spoke of the day that she would meet her Saviour many times, and now it had come full circle.

~B

I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

{Chorus}:
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

A Life Diminishing or Shining Brightly

My Grandma, who is 92 has been at a nursing home for almost a year. She has been the light of the place. So many nurses telling us about how she brightens their days and makes them sing and smile.

A few weeks ago she fell and broke her hip. She had to have surgery and it has taken a terrible toll on her. A little while after her surgery she had a stroke and lost her speech and control of her one side.

Last week (before her stroke) I went to see her and we sang some songs with the group which was fun. It isn't the type of fun where people are socializing and dancing around, it's more of the kind of "fun" that we now take for granted. Just being-together fun is what we had. We spent an hour or so with her. The kids enjoy seeing her and so we have tried to visit more and more often. Now the stroke has taken away all of that joy from us.

A few days ago she was still able to sit in her wheel chair. I brought a stereo into her room so that she could listen to music. The next day she couldn't get out of bed anymore and she stopped eating. It's all been going down hill so fast.

Now, for the past few days, she has laid in her bed. They put her in her own room now last night, all alone, without anyone to be with her. I went there last night, skipping night activities at church to be with her and my extended family. I stayed long after they left, I just didn't want her to be alone.

It gets me thinking of the book: "Johnny Got His Gun." I think that's what it's called. If I recall the story well enough, it's about a man that loses his arms and legs and speaking/communicating abilities in the war. The nurses take care of him and he somehow tries to communicate with them by nodding his head up and down. I can't recall if the nurses could communicate with him or not after that. I just remember those things about the story. It reminds me of my Grandma now.

She lays there, in one solid position, not being able to communicate at all. Last night, when my brother got there, she jerked her arms up. This isn't like how you and I put our arms out to hug someone, this is more like a will fighting against the strength of the world, jerking her arms violently against these forces that cripple her body.

Today when I went to see her, she looked even worse. More despondent. I read the Bible to her, I sang "Amazing Grace" to her. I didn't see any reaction anymore, even though the other day she "sang" along by jerking her lips to the tune.

My mom walked in and said, "Hi Grandma!" and then I saw a light, be it ever so tiny. Grandma's eye opened slightly and she moved/jerked her hand towards us. It showed me that she was "still there". We talked to her, while she laid stone still, I told her that it had snowed, she shrugged her shoulder to make a motion like she was shivering, be it ever so small.

So, as I have been praying the past few days for her, for sweet Jesus to come and take her away, I have gotten frustrated that he hasn't. Today I prayed again near her wondering why He hasn't come to get her. I sort of figured it out, just a bit, but it brings me comfort. Through her pain and suffering of laying there in her bed, it has changed ME. If she were to pass away one second before the Lord had planned it, then things wouldn't be completed in the fashion that he has made it to make everything come together in his Glory. If she would have passed away the instant that I demanded it, then maybe I would think that I was the one in control, and not Him. It's humbling and that's exactly where I need to be, humbled and at His feet. Him showing me where I belong, where my place is, and humbling me by showing me how precious a life is, whether one is young or old.

Her life may be diminishing, but wow, what a brightly shining light she has become.

~B