My Grandma, who is 92 has been at a nursing home for almost a year. She has been the light of the place. So many nurses telling us about how she brightens their days and makes them sing and smile.A few weeks ago she fell and broke her hip. She had to have surgery and it has taken a terrible toll on her. A little while after her surgery she had a stroke and lost her speech and control of her one side.
Last week (before her stroke) I went to see her and we sang some songs with the group which was fun. It isn't the type of fun where people are socializing and dancing around, it's more of the kind of "fun" that we now take for granted. Just being-together fun is what we had. We spent an hour or so with her. The kids enjoy seeing her and so we have tried to visit more and more often. Now the stroke has taken away all of that joy from us.
A few days ago she was still able to sit in her wheel chair. I brought a stereo into her room so that she could listen to music. The next day she couldn't get out of bed anymore and she stopped eating. It's all been going down hill so fast.
Now, for the past few days, she has laid in her bed. They put her in her own room now last night, all alone, without anyone to be with her. I went there last night, skipping night activities at church to be with her and my extended family. I stayed long after they left, I just didn't want her to be alone.
It gets me thinking of the book: "Johnny Got His Gun." I think that's what it's called. If I recall the story well enough, it's about a man that loses his arms and legs and speaking/communicating abilities in the war. The nurses take care of him and he somehow tries to communicate with them by nodding his head up and down. I can't recall if the nurses could communicate with him or not after that. I just remember those things about the story. It reminds me of my Grandma now.
She lays there, in one solid position, not being able to communicate at all. Last night, when my brother got there, she jerked her arms up. This isn't like how you and I put our arms out to hug someone, this is more like a will fighting against the strength of the world, jerking her arms violently against these forces that cripple her body.
Today when I went to see her, she looked even worse. More despondent. I read the Bible to her, I sang "Amazing Grace" to her. I didn't see any reaction anymore, even though the other day she "sang" along by jerking her lips to the tune.
My mom walked in and said, "Hi Grandma!" and then I saw a light, be it ever so tiny. Grandma's eye opened slightly and she moved/jerked her hand towards us. It showed me that she was "still there". We talked to her, while she laid stone still, I told her that it had snowed, she shrugged her shoulder to make a motion like she was shivering, be it ever so small.
So, as I have been praying the past few days for her, for sweet Jesus to come and take her away, I have gotten frustrated that he hasn't. Today I prayed again near her wondering why He hasn't come to get her. I sort of figured it out, just a bit, but it brings me comfort. Through her pain and suffering of laying there in her bed, it has changed ME. If she were to pass away one second before the Lord had planned it, then things wouldn't be completed in the fashion that he has made it to make everything come together in his Glory. If she would have passed away the instant that I demanded it, then maybe I would think that I was the one in control, and not Him. It's humbling and that's exactly where I need to be, humbled and at His feet. Him showing me where I belong, where my place is, and humbling me by showing me how precious a life is, whether one is young or old.
Her life may be diminishing, but wow, what a brightly shining light she has become.
~B
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