Recounciling Dream

I have dreamed of you often, in the 'Recounciling Dream'.

We are usually together, amongst family and you notice my hurt.

You mentioned something in last night's dream; we were sitting and eating amongst the loved ones and you were serving me food; you came up from behind me and you asked me why things have been different for the last few years.

In this dream, I was not too scared to say something to you. Where normally anger and frustration and bitterness come, this time I spoke quietly and carefully and told you of my hurt. Of how you meant everything to me, of how you meant more to me in some senses, than my own mother.

You had taught me how to love and laugh. You showed me where I fit in. I felt a part of your crowd and I was so comfortable there......

I quietly sat at that table, telling you gently about how much I had loved you and then that day came that you hurt me so badly. I somehow managed to let you know about my pain and instead of getting angry at me...... you hugged me....... in my dream. You cried too. You cared about how you had hurt me and you honestly felt sadness about it.

The people that were in the dream all understood that we needed this time to heal. There were smiles and soft looks of understanding. You and me just sitting there; recounciled.

My heart felt a hundred tons lighter. I felt like the dam had finally broken and we were complete again.

I had told you that I knew that you didn't love me because of my beliefs and you didn't lecture me...............you loved me.

Life went on to normal after that. Me in our Loved One's old house watching you mill about cooking and being friendly.

I know that this dream, was just a dream, but it's part of this long process of healing a three year hurt. I have been the one poisoning myself with the poison of pain and self-doubt and believing those words that were said. The pain stays hidden; I don't share it much anymore. People just don't understand the pain...........

But I shared with some the other day and I told them that I was worried that I hadn't forgiven you yet, (even though I have forgiven you a thousand times). I told them that I was worried that God hadn't forgiven me yet for not forgiving you. But my friend reassured me that the pain is part of the process, it doesn't mean unforgiveness.

So to you, for this moment, I wish you all the best. I will gladly hug you back in that dream. I will gladly and happily wake up with that weight of sadness off my chest.....if just for a moment.

I will rush to this blog and I will quickly write it down, because knowing that you cared enough to ask me why I am not the same person as I used to be can bring me to close this still-gaping wound. You genuinely crying and having compassion and sorrow for the things that were said will have to be what I can take as God's way of letting a little bit of this huge pain go.


~B