When there is deep misunderstanding which has led to the erection of barriers between two who once were close, every day brings the strengthening of those barriers if they are not, by God's grace, breached. One prays and finds no way at all to break through. Love seems to "backfire" every time. Explanations become impossible. New accusations arise, it seems, from nowhere (though it is well to recall who is named the Accuser of the brethren). The situation becomes ever more complex and insoluble, and the mind goes round and round, seeking the place where things went wrong, brooding over the words which were like daggers, regretting the failures and mistakes, wondering (most painfully) how it could have been different. Much spiritual and emotional energy is drained in this way--but the Lord wants to teach us to commit, trust, and rest.
"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will come clear--trust Me."
"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge" (l Pt 5:7).
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I was deeply touched by this Elisabeth Elliot devo that I happened upon at a website that I frequent daily. It touched me unexpectantly.
If you know me or have been keeping updated with my brain via this blog (or my previous one), you know that I have had painful times with a person that used to be close to me. The experience with this person has changed me SO much more than I had ever,ever pictured. I have become timid, insecure and I have rehashed the words we had over and over, just like the above devotional talked about. I was stunned at how accurate it was.
I have become much more cautious and critical of myself. Blogging, something that I used to get a lot of relief from, became something that caused me to feel too "bare". When I talk to someone now, I tend to not trust them, for what if they are secretly despising me, what if what I had with them all along was really just something that I felt for them, something that was really an illusion. I don't like being the fool. It seems to happen so often.
In December, at the height of my struggle, the Lord put it on my heart that I had caused hurts to this person years ago, and that in order for God to complete his work in me, I had to apologize to this person and the people in their life. God took me kicking and screaming, and brought me to the place where I had to apologize. It was hard, painful, humiliating, you have no idea how humiliating it was for me. I did not do it to get anything, I was told to do it and I did it.
It freed me, the apologizing. Although it was never accepted or acknowledged by anyone involved, which made it even more humiliating, but that was God's plan all along, to humble me horribly, so that I could hear His word. Through my pain with this I was brought to the conclusion of having to forgive this person for what I went through months earlier. It was the only way that I would forgive them, if I had to humble myself and admit that I had done something wrong to that person years ago.
While I have now forgiven this person for the horrifying and painful things that they said, I still carry around shrapnel, which is deeply embedded in my heart. I don't stay away from this person to be rude, I stay away and avoid as to protect myself.
If you know me or have been keeping updated with my brain via this blog (or my previous one), you know that I have had painful times with a person that used to be close to me. The experience with this person has changed me SO much more than I had ever,ever pictured. I have become timid, insecure and I have rehashed the words we had over and over, just like the above devotional talked about. I was stunned at how accurate it was.
I have become much more cautious and critical of myself. Blogging, something that I used to get a lot of relief from, became something that caused me to feel too "bare". When I talk to someone now, I tend to not trust them, for what if they are secretly despising me, what if what I had with them all along was really just something that I felt for them, something that was really an illusion. I don't like being the fool. It seems to happen so often.
In December, at the height of my struggle, the Lord put it on my heart that I had caused hurts to this person years ago, and that in order for God to complete his work in me, I had to apologize to this person and the people in their life. God took me kicking and screaming, and brought me to the place where I had to apologize. It was hard, painful, humiliating, you have no idea how humiliating it was for me. I did not do it to get anything, I was told to do it and I did it.
It freed me, the apologizing. Although it was never accepted or acknowledged by anyone involved, which made it even more humiliating, but that was God's plan all along, to humble me horribly, so that I could hear His word. Through my pain with this I was brought to the conclusion of having to forgive this person for what I went through months earlier. It was the only way that I would forgive them, if I had to humble myself and admit that I had done something wrong to that person years ago.
While I have now forgiven this person for the horrifying and painful things that they said, I still carry around shrapnel, which is deeply embedded in my heart. I don't stay away from this person to be rude, I stay away and avoid as to protect myself.
"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will come clear--trust Me."
This is hard, but I know that it is the one and only way. To leave it to Him.
~B
2 comments:
Thanks for the comment, B. I've missed your blogging--you're my mentor! :)
aw shucks....
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