Yow.

"As the mouth speaks, it shows what is in the heart."

This is a paraphrase from the Bible. It tells us that when we speak, especially when we speak passionately, it is like putting a mirror up to our heart.

Recently, Mel Gibson~ famous actor, heart-throb, "Passion of the Christ" movie director~ was arrested on drunk driving charges. It is said that he spoke unkindly of God's precious Jews. That he was belligerent and awful to all who were present.

Wow. It's one of those moments in one's life where they wish that they could hit rewind and never go back again.

The ramifications of his actions will not go unnoticed, but this is where I need to hit pause and reflect on my own mistakes.

I was 23 years old and pregnant with my first child. It was Thanksgiving Day and we are were getting together with all of the family at my parents house. I wasn't in a very good mood and the large amounts of food that were being consumed didn't help the situation at all. My sibling and their spouse were having marital trouble. This said sibling was having an "emotional affair" with another person and I guess that day, I decided that I needed to let them know how awful they were for doing this.

I didn't do it in the right way.....

I started to yell at them and be mean and just basically I wasn't being the person that I truly had pictured myself becoming. I even upset the other people that were there and they ended up yelling at me (which was neccessary). After everyone and everything had been upset by all the terrible, awful things that I said, we all left to go to our respective homes. People hurting from MY actions of stupidity.

I sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried. I have never cried that hard before.I couldn't believe what I had done. I had never recognized how hatred filled my heart like that. It. Was. Awful.

The remorse and horrifying guilt I felt is completely undescribable. Later that night, I called my family members and apologized~ they all accepted.

The hate that I spewed out that day came from within my heart. I was letting people see my true insides.... how embarrassing, how truly humbling.

After that day, I told myself and God, that I would never allow myself to get to that point. That I would just work on my huge issues instead of building them up and blowing them out. It made me grow up. A lot.

My story in my mind somewhat follows what has happened to this Mel guy. He got drunk (bad), he drove (worse), he got caught (eeck) and he said really, really, really awful and hard-to-forgive things (even worse). He went home, sobered up and sat on the couch and cried (let's hope so). He issued his apology. Now what? Do we forgive him or do we hold it above his head? It's hard to say, you know, because the things that he said about the Jews were so awful. BUT, which one of us can raise our hands and say that WE ourselves haven't done something stupid like this before. Which one of us can cast the first stone?

Hopefully he'll see that his mouth is a mirror into his heart and he'll hate what he saw and he'll grow up. A lot.

~B