My Beloved

In the night, I woke up. When I got back into bed my mind was floating with thoughts of the friends that I have recently made that are widows.

One friend has 5 kids, ages 9 and under, lost her beloved in a horrific traffic accident. This was two years ago. She is still grieving him. It cripples her every move.

Another friend lost her husband 4 years ago. He was 38, a dentist, he died of a heart attack. She has three daughters; 9, 7, and almost 5. She is remarried to an older gentleman, has moved to this area from Haiti. She still misses him, you can see that the pain is still there, but she deals with it really well.

I laid in my bed, straining not to cry too hard, thinking of why my life path has put me with these widows. Is it a foreshadowing of what is to come? Is the Lord trying to prepare my path to become a widow? It really made me think.

I stared up at the ceiling wondering of my future. None of us truly know our futures. Fortune tellers don't really know what will happen to us, if that was the case, then we would all consult them and we would avoid all conflicts. No, none of us know what is to come except our Lord.

I prayed for strength to bare it, that if it would happen, if I would lose MY beloved that I wouldn't be crippled by it, but would find the strength to carry on and raise my family. I prayed that the Lord would hold on to me tightly, that the kids wouldn't lose their faith with such a bad thing happening, that I wouldn't have to be dependent on others to carry on.

I have only known my husband. I didn't have any boyfriends before him. I have only shared my deepest secrets with him. I was friends with him for almost a year before we kissed. Our friendship is what has been the bond that we have, I have never had a friend like him.

We laugh about the stupidest things. He is so good at making people believe that he's such a hard-nose, but he comes home and he's just.....amazing.

I lose the ability to describe him because he is priceless to me.

He works hard all day, yet comes home with his ears wide open to listen to his talkative wife describe her day. He is patient, strong, handsome, wise, and follows Christ.

He deals with a woman who is emotional, sensitive and talks too much, but I can still see how much he loves her. The her is me.

I know that God would take care of me and my children. I know it without a doubt. But to think of losing him is so incredibly painful, that it is hard to believe that this woman can bare it..

I have him right now.
He is here in my world.
But someday, maybe, I'll lose him.

Today, I'll appreciate him.

~B